Thursday, July 15, 2004

Once again the liberal parodist Mad Kane has attempted a musical defense of the Democratic ticket. Now she's trying to prop up John The Tortious with a song, to the tune of "Moon River", about the alleged virtues of plaintiff's attorneys. It starts
Trial lawyers
Go that extra mile,
To see that all those vile
Guys pay.
You can find the whole leftist rant at "Ode To John Edwards" a/k/a "The Trial Lawyers Song."

As a proud defender of our wonderful corporations, whose shoes we are not worthy to bear, I could not let this paean to ambulance chasers go unchallenged. Therefore I drafted one of my own, telling the true story, to the tune of "I'm On My Way" from "Paint Your Wagon". I call this "The Barratry Ballad":
Gotta claim here.
Gotta tort.
Write your brief up
And go to court.

Who am I suing?
I don't care.
Who'll I bankrupt?
Not my problem.
All that counts
Is someone's gonna pay

Who're my clients?
Stupid fools
Who can't even
Tie their shoes.
Read directions?
That's just not their way.

Pour hot coffee
In your lap?
Come and see me.
We will slap
Suits and see what
Jurors have to say.

Lose kids to an
Unlocked gun
'Cause they thought it
Looked like fun?
My suit'll really
Make the maker's day.

Eat fast food till
You are fat.
My lawsuit will
Get back at
Those who let you
Have it your own way.

Whose fault was it?
Who's the richest?
What's their tie-in?
Cash to grab.
Is that just? I'm
Not prepared to say.

How will I win it?
Jolt the jurors.
How do I move them?
Tears and lies.
My hired experts
Do this every day.

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