Saturday, December 20, 2003

Yes, I do have a life in The Real World, and I'm leaving this morning for a sixteen-day vacation. Picture me skiing down the slopes of a snow-clad mountain (no, I won't let the groupies know which one), then spending Scrooge Day slithering with my fellow hatchlings, then sailing, sunning, and scuba diving somewhere amid the Lesser Antilles. Yes, the Ordinary People should be insanely jealous. I will be back, tanned, rested, recharged and ready to blog, doubtless suffering from Web Withdrawal, after the first weekend of January.

Thursday, December 18, 2003

They were the most terrible monsters ever known. Long extinct, they were brought back to life by an entrepreneur's short-sightedness. Foolish "environmentalists" want to preserve and study them, but they are too dangerous. If we don't preemptively exterminate them, it may be too late. They are evil, and they are hungry, and they will imminently have weapons of mass destruction and conquer and eat us all. They're called DEMOSAURS.

I was there when they broke free. I was one of several invited to visit a new theme park, still under construction, where recreated versions of these creatures would be the star attraction. It was set on the planet Earth, where these horrors had once lived and briefly ruled over another extinct race, the "human beings".

Those humans were part of the deadly EmEsEn Collective, which tried to conquer the galaxy and absorb all other intelligent life. They implanted radio-linked computer chips into their victims' brains which controlled them and made them "cybernetic organisms". The civilized worlds of the Federation of United Sentients were only able to destroy them because of a flaw in their operating system, which caused them to freeze and stare out windows several times each day to "reboot". This pause allowed us to inject them with a strain of deadly virus, imported from and named after another nearby galaxy, which completely wiped them out.

Landing on the planet, we were taken to a tropical island and the lab of the scientist who built the park, Doctor Stevie Hatfull. We should have been worried by what we overheard while waiting to meet him. A voice we later learned was that of Charlton, the park's chief hunter, was warning the doctor to "terminate the raptor program", saying they were "just too damn smart". Then we heard the doctor asking his assistant just what genes he had spliced into the brains of the raptors. Before the door closed we heard that underling say they were from "Abby somebody".

In the waiting room was a gigantic reptile skeleton, standing on its hind legs with front claws in a fighting stance and showing huge teeth. As we gaped at this, Dr. Hatfull came in and told us this was a DEANRANOSAURUS REX. It was the last of the Demosaurs to rule over the humans. It seemed to have the spider-like ability to make huge webs to trap humans and suck away all they had. Later it was sliced to ribbons by a particularly vicious variety of raptors, and the world was then taken over by humans. He said that old enmity seems lasting, because when that same breed of raptors was made here at the park, they did the same thing and ganged up to kill this one. The chief hunter rescued the bones and mounted them here as a memorial.

The doctor told us the park was called "Cenozoic" because that was the geological period when the Demosaurs ruled this planet. The park was located on this island, which seems to have been called "Guantanamo", because this is where the last of these monsters had been caged before finally being killed. All of this involved a lot of guesswork. Since all of the EmEsEn's knowledge was stored only in its distributed computer network, when the humans and other races it had absorbed were wiped out, their history was gone.

Archaeologists did find one ancient computer from before the EmEsEn took over the planet and banned non-implanted devices. It belonged to someone called "ihatealldems". Although its memory was damaged, they recovered fragments of copies from something called "comments" sections, used to communicate on a pre-absorption network called the "web". Unfortunately, the few sections found didn't deal directly with biology. One covered a small sport called "footballs", apparently played on natural grass, since they are referred to as green. Another section may have been for dog fanciers, since it often mentions a rottweiler. Dr. Hatfull admitted this was such a small sampling that it might not be representative, but it was all he had to go on. Based on what was written about the monsters there, he tried to build a picture of what the Demosaurs must have been like.

This horrible species lived at the same time as the humans, whom they domesticated both for food and to cruelly exploit as menial labor. They indoctrinated human children in concentration camps called "public schools", brainwashing them to become obedient slaves and turn over all they produced to the Demosaurs. Those with independent streaks were weeded out by clever propaganda that encouraged them to become homosexual, so that they wouldn't reproduce, and rebelliousness would be bred out of the humans. The monsters ruthlessly banned prayer as a threat to total loyalty to the Demosaurs, and of course constantly searched human burrows to confiscate any weapons the serfs might use to revolt.

We asked why the Demosaurs become extinct, if they were so powerful. He said there were two reasons. First, the humans had great leaders, though they won only on their fourth attempt at rebellion. Each try was led by a different member of the same Gate family. The three failed efforts were sparked by Water (with the "recorder", apparently a weapon using sound), Iran (using the very bloodily named "shredder"), and Monica (who used biological warfare with some form of tightly coiled plant leaves). Finally their brother Bill overthrew the monsters with his implanted chips, which allowed humans to march together in militaristic lockstep against their rulers. The tyrants had become decadent and disorganized after having easily had their way for so long, relying only on some enforcer called "Media", which Bill's EmEsEn was able to bypass.

Second, there seems to have been a biological flaw in the Demosaurs themselves. Many of them were weakened by loss of blood from their overexpanded, leaking hearts. This made them tend to faint away when confronted with loud noises. Bill used this fear against them by attacking them with a breed of trained barking canines, called the faux. These shifted the balance of power and made the monsters themselves the fare. Bill became the First Proprietor and the humans ate the Demosaurs. The doctor fixed this flaw in his recreations by including genes from strong Vulcan hearts.

Unfortunately, no pictures or skeletons of these creatures were ever preserved. Dr. Hatfull had to try and guess at their makeup based on their actions, as denounced by the brave human rebels in those "comments". He assumed that such bloodthirsty monsters must have been reptilian, and so called them "saurians" and used large lizards as his main genetic base. He did have to mix in more intelligence from some other species, chiefly from the Klingons, who seemed to have the necessary ruthless aggressiveness.

He urged us to tour the island and see for ourselves his genetic reconstructions, carefully avoiding the electrified fences. He did admit to one early flawed model which had to be destroyed, the totally scaleless BRYNNERSAUR, because of its juggernaut determination once it had fixed on a target, but he assured us that now nothing could possibly go wrong.

Charlton the hunter took us out for a tour, along with the doctor's two grandchildren, who had heard about the monsters and were excited to see for themselves. The first creature we saw was the tank-sized DUKAKISAURUS. It was easy to avoid, because it shook the ground when it moved and was completely inflexible in its course. Charlton said this flaw went so far that it even failed to defend its own mate when attacked. It calmly ignored us as it rumbled by.

We passed a herd of ostrich-shouldered DENNISKUMINIMUS. These vegetarians were so short they had to stand on their hind legs to reach for tall leaves. They also had the unusual trait of choosing their mates by voting. On the other side of a ditch we saw two BARNOPHRANKSAURUS watching us. They were as tall as humans and had big gills hanging around their necks. Charlton told us they were carnivores, but were too weak to defeat others in battle, so they had developed an ability to spit venom. The poison attacked the ears and deafened humans, then killed them.

Next we came to a creature which was lying helplessly. We learned that was its chronic state. This was a CLENISAURUS ECPLECTICOS. Its species name was taken from a tiny crustacean which also had an unusually long penis. While that was not a problem to a sea creature, the Clenisaurus kept tripping over its own genitals. The hunter said they had included some crocodile genes in this creature, which gave it enlarged tear ducts. It also had empathic powers. It could detect and emulate the emotions of the other creatures around it. Now it was in agony because of the pain of another animal nearby.

Charlton led us to that one, which we found in great distress. The hunter said this three-horned TRILATERALCARTERATOPS HORRIDUS was fed on several hundred pounds of legumes each day, mostly Arachis hypogea, but it would eat anything. He once found it devouring an entire abandoned automobile. The doctor's grandson Timmy, with a boyish interest in antique machinery, asked what kind of car. Charlton said he couldn't remember for sure; he thought it wasn't a Lincoln, but something else from the same manufacturer.

Recently the creature was suffering from a malaise and a lack of energy, after it had tried to eat some Teflon which it hadn't been able to stomach. The monster had been put out to pasture to recover, and now spent its time obsessively building more nests. One of the grandchildren, Luthora, actually went riding on the back of the Trilateralcarteratops' baby. She was talking to it and it was grunting back. I could have sworn they were discussing nuclear proliferation, but I assumed I had imagined it.

The largest of any of the creatures we saw was a huge gold colored GEORGESOROSAUR. It liked to literally throw its massive weight around, rolling over to crush any human rebels against Demosaur rule. After we passed it a herd of chicken sized things ran across the road ahead of us, screeching loudly. Charlton said these were Sharpys, or PROSHARPTOGNATHIDS, tiny scavengers eating the leavings of the larger monsters, and most notable for making irritating noises. We stopped to look at a large colorful MUFTISAUR, which the hunter told us they called "The Dread Westley". It had the most rigid posture we saw in the park, and a series of star-shaped markings on its back.

We were just outside the fenced compound of the D. Rex, as the hunter called the Deanranosaur, when it started raining and our carts came to a sudden halt. Charlton said they were run on electricity from a cable buried in the ground, and we should just wait until the automatic emergency generators started. As we sat there we finally saw a D. Rex. It walked slowly up to the huge electrified fence and sniffed it. Then it kicked up some leaves to hit the fence. Nothing happened. Next it touched the fence, quickly drawing back its arm. Just as we realized that the power must be off for the fence as well, the monster leaped against it and pulled it down, posts and all.

As we sat there terrified, holding still because the hunter said the D. Rex pursued movement, we watched it turn over the other cart and begin sniffing around it. We thought the people in that cart were sure to be eaten, but the monster suddenly raised its head and looked around. Circling about it were several much smaller creatures with long mouths full of sharp teeth. Charlton actually turned pale.

Timmy said the Deanranosaur could easily defeat those smaller guys. The hunter said those weren't guys, they were all females, and they were the most dangerous species in the park, the HILLARAPTOR FEMINAZIUS. Like some worms and insects, they practice parthenogenesis -- reproduction without males. The D. Rex might be bigger and stronger, but they were meaner and much smarter. They were the same breed which had killed the last D. Rex before the humans took over. Almost as soon as they were caged here they had tunnelled under the fence to break free and kill the one whose skeleton stood in the waiting room now. The whole fence had to be rebuilt much deeper to keep them in.

Soon all the monsters were engaged in a bloody battle with each other, and we took advantage of their distraction to get out and flee into the rain. Judging from the sounds behind us, there was a lot of eating going on. We didn't turn to watch. As we passed by the Hillaraptor's pen we saw how they had gotten out. They simply killed enough of their own to pile up the corpses high enough to climb up on the mound and jump over the fence. Charlton wondered as we ran if that meant they had gotten out before the electricity went off. When we got to the waiting room we soon found that they had.

The doors had been smashed, partly devoured corpses were strewn about, and there were plenty of what the hunter recognized as bloody Hillaraptor tracks on the floor. Stepping into the control room, we found the power had been shut off here. Bloody claw marks showed that the killers had cleverly disabled the security by prying a letter off the keypad for the master switch, then thrown it.

I won't bother with the melodramatic details of how we managed to get the power back on and the computers working so the fences were charged again and we could call for help. The Hillaraptors must have won their fight with the D. Rex, because five of them attacked us. They killed three more of us, including Charlton, but not before he shot one. We electrocuted one more, poisoned one (don't ask), and locked one in a freezer.

The last Hillaraptor had the two grandchildren cornered in the waiting room when it was crushed by the falling skull of the D. Rex skeleton. Later, so that they wouldn't be spooked, we assured both children that one of us had climbed up and levered the skull loose so it would fall and save them. But I was there. No one touched it at all. The skull suddenly broke free on its own. I think it was just one last bit of revenge by the dead Deanranosaur for years of savage abuse.

We fled from there by helicopter, and we were lucky to escape. The Hillaraptors are not all dead, and they reproduce at a rapid rate. Demosaurs ruled the humans once. They are smart enough to turn our own weapons against us, and now Hatfull's meddling has eliminated their only flaw. They are an even greater threat to the peace of the galaxy than the humans were. The Federation has banned travel to the island, but scientists are begging for the chance to visit. What we should do is use thermonuclear bombs and destroy the place. Our very future is at stake.

Sunday, December 14, 2003

Several Evil Leftists tried to warn their followers about me when I first started publishing on the web at my old site, especially Dohiyi Mir, the Magpie (who now does most of her posting at Pacific Views), and skippy the bush kangaroo. Their efforts failed because silly liberals have such 'satiable curiosity, and visited me anyway just to see for themselves. I thank those foolish early linkers for helping to lure more unsuspecting leftists into my clever trap.

My readers, of course, being genuinely compassionate conservatives in the Nietzschean sense ("The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance."), will agree with me that new bloggers starting out should be discouraged from the very start by getting no visitors at all -- if they are fuzzy minded liberals. Several such newbie would-be Eschatons are trying out their blog legs by entering this week's New Weblog Showcase. Let's try and drive them off the web in despair by not going to look at any of these entries:Shun all of these. Kill their hope of future visits by ignoring them to death, and help keep the web safe for all of us proudly righteous reactionaries.

Our troops in Iraq have reported Saddam Hussein's capture. Alive. Clearly this is a mistake. There is an old Charles Bronson movie which ends with him shooting someone from a rooftop, then sitting back to wait for the police. When an officer emerges from the stairs and tries to arrest him, Bronson says "You don't know your job, do you? Here, I'll make it easy for you." He then grabs his gun to point it at the policeman, so that the officer will have to shoot him.

The troops in Iraq, just like that policeman, don't know their job. If Saddam lives and is put on trial, he may embarrass Donald Rumsfeld by greeting him as an old friend and supplier. Why couldn't our former Iraqi client have been "accidentally" killed when they found him? Of course we can't expect them to equal that masterpiece by a dictator of Brazil, who announced that the previous ruler had been "poisoned while trying to escape", but surely Karl Rove could have concocted some tale. He has never been troubled by the hobgoblin of small minds.

Why did our soldiers fail to understand what their real job was? Because the media-obsessed Pentagon sent them the wrong message. According to this story, "An Army commander who threatened to kill an Iraqi detainee for refusing to answer questions avoided court-martial when his superior decided to let him retire and pay a $5,000 fine, the Army said yesterday. Lt. Col. Allen West, 42, was relieved of his post and ordered sent from Iraq to his base in Texas after being found guilty of aggravated assault and communicating a threat." Even though the officer exercised creative initiative by firing a gun near the prisoner's head to frighten him, he was still punished.

This has had an effect. Not even George's mockery ("International law? I'd better call my lawyer.") can overcome this terrible example of the "rule of law". Just scare a terrorist, and you'll be subject to punishment. God forbid you should actually kill one. So Saddam gets taken alive. I'm sure the trial lawyers are all happy now, probably toasting with vile French champagne the opportunity for fame defending him. Where is what left wing icon Molly Ivins derides as "tort deform" when we need it? ("The first thing we do, let's kill all the Lawyers." --Shakespeare, Henry VI, Part II, Act IV, Scene 2)

Liberals always denounce the use of torture in interrogations, claiming it is unreliable. Hogwash. The sadly discontinued witch hunts of the seventeenth century and earlier were brilliantly successful. They killed tens of thousands of people across Europe following confessions on the rack. Modern technology like electric cattle prods, combined with drugs, means now we can get anyone to admit to anything, even if they have to make it up. The purpose of a crusade is not to find the facts, but to punish someone for being evil.

Just as our soldiers were intimidated out of doing their job by fear, the masses will go out of their way to avoid even a hint of proscribed conduct, speech, or thought -- if they are convinced that guilt is irrelevant, since the authorities are determined to burn someone at the stake. They will even have a genuine incentive to provide plenty of new victims for the machine. It doesn't matter if their tips are lies. All that counts is the number of people we get to execute, preferably in public, to frighten others into compliance. Witch hunts really do work, if your goal is not some silly liberal idea of an intangible "truth" ("What is Truth? Said jesting Pilate; and would not stay for an answer." --Francis Bacon, Essays, 1597), but rather to terrorize everyone and make them obey, obey, obey. If that's not our purpose, then what's the fun of having a government at all?

Thursday, December 11, 2003

You say you doubt that Old Europe really just loves to wallow in sin? Read Porn star eyes Brussels election (complete with a protuberant photo). "Porn queen Dolly Buster wants to branch out into politics and become a Euro MP. The Czech-born star, whose real name is Katja-Nora Bochnickova, says she wants to stand as a candidate for the European Parliament. ... The porn star, who has starred in hundreds of X-rated films on her way to becoming one of the biggest names in the European porn industry, has promised her election campaign would be based on "contact with people". ... Her career as a novelist has seen her write books which follow a German porn-star-turned-amateur-sleuth heroine named Lilly DeLight as she solves murders bumbling police officers cannot get to grips with." Two of her paperbacks (Tiefenschaerfe and Alles echt) are listed on Amazon as "out of stock". One reviewer wrote in An unlikely Agatha Christie "Buster says her sexual energies are being channelled into her writing. "Which is not to say sex is no longer important to me," she adds quickly. "Sex is eternal and unchanging. Sex will always be what it always has been -- an erotic interplay between two people. Or three or four. Or more."" This should liven up the legislators.

This is not an isolated incident on the Decadent Continent. Ilona Staller was an Italian porn star, known as Cicciolina ("cuddles"). In 1987 she was elected to Parliament in Italy as the candidate of the libertarian Partito Radicale, and served five years, advocating "absolute sexual freedom including the right to sex in prisons." In 1991, she "offered to have sex with both George Bush Sr. and Sadaam Hussein to prevent the impending Gulf War." Another web site, with a truly laughable "English" translation, says "The love for the nature pushed Ilona, as a politician, to propose an ecological tax on cars, trying to limitate the smog dangers." In 2002 she tried to run for Parliament in her native Hungary. That time she "failed to collect enough signatures in her district to qualify as a candidate". She blamed sabotage by the established parties, at a news conference where she also said ""I am here not showing my breasts. Now I am speaking about poor people so it is not necessary – not because I don't have beautiful breasts ... even now," she said, pausing momentarily to massage her breasts through her tight white tank top. "But it's not necessary showing because poor people have no interest in my breasts."" Altruism and oral sex -- the Clenis would have loved her.

The appeasers of Old Europe are whining now because George Bush believes "to the victor belong the oils spoils" and won't let them have any contracts to rebuild Saddam's slaughterhouse. Read their squawks in Nations barred from Iraq bids voice outrage. They are even threatening to have the European Union [sic] treat this as a restraint of trade, and retaliate against U.S. products. This just shows how wrong Bush was to appease them by repealing his steel tariffs when they threatened higher duties on oranges. Just because Jeb likes Anita Bryant's crusades against gay rights is no reason to lose steel company votes. Now Europe has a taste of blood from using trade as a weapon, and will wave it at any provocation. Steel may yet be seen as the new Munich where Bush caved in to central European aggression.

But we're firing warning shots back too. How else to explain U.S. food rules could delay imported goodies? "A new set of federal rules designed to protect the U.S. food supply from terrorists could mean delays for consumers hungry for such imports as Chilean grapes, Italian jam or French Burgundy. ... The law is part of the sweeping 2002 Bioterrorism Act, which gave the FDA broad control over the food industry." We can drink our own wine, not their wimpy blood thinners. Besides, why would anyone trust food from a continent of cannibals, like Armin Meiwes? Who knows what it may contain?

Read in High court's remap case crucial to Texas that "Paul Smith, arguing for Democratic voters challenging a new congressional map in Pennsylvania, asked the high court to limit gerrymandering ... "The House of Representatives is supposed to be the mirror of the people," Smith told the justices. "... This is like saying a Republican vote is worth more than a Democratic vote." ... "Frankly, we don't have a problem with that," said Bart DeLone, a deputy attorney general who argued for the state's Republican leaders." Absolutely. Liberals just need to get used to it. In fact, a certain Republican maker of voting equipment may even now be deciding just what portion of the Democratic ballots to bother tabulating next year. Welcome to the world of Preemptive Vote Counting (TM).

The story is in Mauled senator speaks out. In Australia "Democrats leader Andrew Bartlett admits he doesn't remember abusing and manhandling Liberal senator Jeannie Ferris in an alcohol-fuelled rage ... Asked whether Senator Bartlett should now resign, the South Australian Senator simply shakes her head ... Senator Ferris, 62, was left "frightened, intimidated" and with a bruised arm last week after she requested the Democrats leader return five bottles of wine he had taken from a Liberal Christmas party. She blamed the "lethal combination" of late nights, stress and alcohol for his behaviour, which included chasing her across the chamber as she told him to "get away, get away from me"." Why Liberals would have even been celebrating Christmas I do not know, but Bartlett went way too far in trying to imitate the former leader of our U.S. Democrats. At least the Clenis never bruised his trailer trash paramours.

You can read about a short-sighted bit of liberal appeasement in Tower Design at WTC Includes Windmills. "...the 1,776-foot Freedom Tower at the World Trade Center site will be topped by environmentally friendly windmills ... a spokesman for the New York State League of Conservation Voters, said, "We're very excited about the idea of a renewable energy component to the design."" This sends the wrong message. The Iraqis pretending to be Saudi citizens who destroyed the building here are upset over the West's drilling of their oil. To put up "renewable energy" turbines is to retreat under attack. We should rather brag about sucking their sands dry. Instead of windmills, let's top these new buildings with giant oil derricks. That'll show them.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

I was disgusted to read in Plastic Christmas Tree Shakes Texas Politics that "The speaker of the Texas House of Representatives is under fire and having his Lone Star State pride questioned, all because he decorated the House floor with a giant made-in-China plastic Christmas tree. The state's tree growers are up in arms and crying 'Bah Humbug' over the 15-foot polyvinyl chloride tree that Speaker Tom Craddick, a Republican from the west Texas town of Midland, had installed on the House floor."

But why would the endangered plant loving liberals object to a reusable tree that saves a real one from being chopped down? They've never been friends of our noble clearcutters. Is it the cheap Chinese labor used to build this decorative object? No, their objection is closer to home than that. "Maintenance crews at the House are happy about the plastic model because they do not have to clean up pine needles or fend off the occasional bug."

You know what that means. Someone is going to get laid off from a cushy capitol job, and it's probably going to be a holdover Democrat. Their pious protests are just a cover for preserving patronage. Thank heavens Tom Delay's redistricting will reduce their future options for Texas pork barrel jobs.

It's no surprise to read New York Times dead wrong over dancer obit. "On Friday, the Times issued a correction, acknowledging that [Katherine] Sergava, who has lived in Manhattan for many years, was actually living in a nursing home after being hospitalized in November. The obituary had reported her death in Palm Springs, California on November 11." Since I don't normally read that pile of liberal rubbish, I can't say if the obit was bylined "Paul Krugman". What is clear is why they were in such a hurry to bury this retired star. "Sergava is best known for her portrayal of the dream-ballet version of Laurey, the heroine in the original production of "Oklahoma!" Yes, she triumphed in a musical that actually praised the virtues of rural middle America. Naturally the liberal media elitists would love to see her gone and forgotten.

According to Louis XVII to Have Royal Burial, 209 Years Late "the French culture ministry has given permission for his heart to be buried in the royal crypt. ... The then dauphin, or heir to the throne, was seven when he was jailed in 1792 along with the rest of the royal family in the turbulent period after the French Revolution, and died of tuberculosis in 1795." This shows their hypocrisy perfectly. They denounce Bush for not bringing democracy quickly enough to Iraq, but reveal their own sycophantic courtier mentality at home. The article claims that "France is now a republic", but this shows they are servile monarchists at heart. Are you still demanding Freedom Fries?

It was no surprise that the hopelessly liberal press played up the tale of a woman trampled by bargain-crazed Christmas shoppers at a Wal-Mart. Of course lefty "independent media centers" ran reports like Capitalism's Greatest Hits. You expect them to be anti-business. They were already so mad at this chain for providing such great jobs to the poor in the third world that they were calling for boycotts of the stores, as The Fulcrum did in Conflicted Shopping.

The surprise came when supposed conservative George Will also piled on to denounce the comercialization of the holiday in Blame the Puritans referring to "Oliver Cromwell, whose piety caused him to ban the celebration of Christmas." George should realize that, unless you're just automatically pro-business without carping, then The Terrorists Have Already Won (TM). He needs to go back and read his sainted Ludwig Von Mises about how The Anti-Capitalistic Mentality is fostered by lazy ivory tower elitists. (In another essay he also blamed mystery writers, but I think Will's free of that vice so far.)

How embarrassed George must be now that the real truth has come out. According to 'Trampled' Wal-Mart Shopper Has History Of Injury Claims "Vanlester has filed 15 previous claims of injuries at Wal-Mart stores and other places she has shopped or worked, according to Wal-Mart, court files and state records. Her sister, who accompanied her Friday on the visit to Wal-Mart, has also filed a prior injury claim against Wal-Mart, with Vanlester as her witness...." The store said "We will investigate this claim as thoroughly as we have the other 10 claims that this customer and her sister have brought against our stores in the past."

Either this is the most accident prone family in America, or else the corporation, as always, is the innocent victim here, but George Will caved in early and blamed greed. No, George should remember that greed is always good. I'll bet he's one of those secret bleeding hearts who thinks that A Christmas Carol has a happy ending, when Scrooge's tragic conversion in that early Marxist fable is really just more left wing anti-business propaganda.

UPDATE: Neither actual trampling, nor becoming an unwilling witness in a lawsuit scam, is what you really need to worry about at Wal-Mart anyway. In North Carolina a sheriff decided "to send deputies to Wal-Mart to find potential jurors. ... Their search at the discount store on Nov. 26 — the day before Thanksgiving -- resulted in confrontations with people shopping for Christmas gifts. ... Deputies found 50 candidates at Wal-Mart, and at least one of them was seated for the trial, which began Tuesday." Read it at Sheriff Sorry for Misinterpreting Order.

The NY Daily News writes in Birth of new Letterman that "he'll be coming off his best November ratings period in seven years, moving his closest to Jay Leno's NBC "Tonight Show" in almost a decade (1 rating point less than Leno's 5.4)." They attribute this to "a month of very strong shows". Hogwash. Here's the real truth: he's being pushed up in the ratings by the usual liberal plotters. They're just trying to get back at Leno because he's now becoming just as fair and balanced as Fox News.

One of them writes in The Right Comic "for some time now, Leno has been leaning right and going soft on President Bush, judging by jokes on The Tonight Show. ... He needed a new shtick. Leno found one: siding with the Bush administration no matter what the circumstances. ... Today, the Clinton gibes continue on The Tonight Show, and the Bush jokes are still few and far between. That's made Leno a favorite on the lucrative corporate master-of-ceremonies circuit since so many CEOs tilt Republican."

That article also makes their deeper motive clear. Incredibly, the liberals still want revenge because Jack Paar was booted off the air after "his embracement of Castro and friendship with the Kennedys". I mean, was I even born yet? They never get over anything, whether it's Florida elections three years ago, or decades old censorship. Good riddance, and let's all be sure to watch Jay and help his righteous Republican ratings.

By Marzo Trentaduesimo Puton
A pre-publication summary and review by Ayn Clouter

This novel presents the blogging world like a struggle between Mafia bosses, fighting not for money or power, but for links to their web sites. The main figure is the one with the most traffic and the most powerful links: Instypoohbah, the Blogfather, referred to by his supporters (who truncate his site's name at both ends) as Typo, or more respectfully, Don Typo.

The book begins in a courtroom, where TV commentator Bob Oriole watches in helpless anger as a judge, corrupted by fuzzy liberal ideas, throws out his lawsuit against a so-called comic for stealing the slogan of his news network. When his shouts of "Shut up!" are ignored by the judge, he realizes that the only place he can go for justice is to the Blogfather.

Meanwhile famed talk radio host Rash Lymphato gets the word that he is going to be busted for abusing prescription drugs. Knowing, despite his stupor, that this might dry up his loyal drug-hating audience, he is still sober enough to seek help from the Blogfather.

Then there is consultant G. Rove Narklist, who wants to elect a new Republican President, famed actor Adolf Dunkelheit, who just won a Governorship. Unfortunately, the new political star was born in another country and therefore is not eligible. Narklist understands that he needs assistance from the Blogfather.

All these favor seekers come to see Don Typo on the day of his daughter Megan's wedding. He promises to help, and orders his followers to bury the story about Oriole's lawsuit, to spread a new meme about Lymphato as a victim of painkillers he had to take due to vicious attacks on him by leftists, and to support a new Constitutional amendment to allow immigrants to be President. It's all routine for the Blogfather, who tells them that someday -- which may never come -- he may ask them for a favor in return. This is how he built a huge link empire, saying that he believed in being friends, and was willing to be a friend first.

Here we also meet Typo's three sons, who have their own web sites. All together, they are considered the verbal undertakers of leftists on the internet, and so are known as the Four Hearsemen. The eldest, Sullie, uses his own name, but the second son, Denny, calls his blog Poohlesser. The youngest son, Chucky, isn't as involved with the family's crusades -- yet. He actually started his site to do sports commentary, calling it Little Brown Poohballs.

Trouble begins when a greedy foreign filthy film king, Saddammo, wants Typo to link to his vile pay sites. He reveals that he has the support of Senator Decigram of Texas, who helped finance his movies. When the unimpressed Blogfather refuses to help, Saddammo hits Instypoohbah with a DDOS attack that burns out not only Typo's computers but all of his ISP's servers as well.

The brothers, waiting for their father to get back online, are not worried because they expect at any moment a devastating counterattack by his greatest weapon, the most deadly verbal assassin of all, Annie Luger. Though named after sharpshooter Annie Oakley, she specializes in brutal hatchet jobs. But their hopes are dashed when they receive her chrome studded black leather corset, wrapped around a small calamary. They learn that Saddammo framed her for sexual harassment and got her thrown in jail and fired from her job at the Nationalizing Revanchist.

Saddammo's material does have one major defender, John Trent. Lots of phony statistics claiming web surfers actually prefer sites with dirty images come from his pen. Chucky denounces the number faker as a racist because of a Confederate decal on his pickup truck. Although it was just the flag of his home state, his credibility is gone and he slinks away.

Chucky then stages a surprise attack. Condemning Saddammo as a Turk, because his ISP is located in a former province of the Ottoman Empire, Chucky stirs up nationwide wrath against Turks for terrorizing American web sites. Public outcry forces Congress to block all internet traffic from Turkey and any countries it ever ruled, including most of the Middle East and southeastern Europe.

Unfortunately, this also stirs up a liberal backlash against Chucky as an anti-Turkic hatemonger, resulting in a boycott of linkers to his site, led by Jimmy Cannelloni's site Independence Squared. Saddammo also retaliates by hacking Sullie's web site and filling it and his home computer with compromising representations of fellows who certainly seem well under the age of consent. Sullie is jailed and banned from the web.

The Blogfather himself then steps in and crushes Cannelloni's hopes of running for Governor of Pennsylvania, by spreading the word to his many contacts to dry up any major sources of funding. Then Don Typo calls for a secret summit meeting with some leading bloggers that are not part of his orbit, to discuss a truce.

This is where most of the peacemongering bloggers make their appearance. These, in their order from the Blogosphere Ecosystem, are the dozen web logs whose owners agree to meet with the Blogfather:

An agreement is reached at the summit. The liberals will stop supporting the boycott against linkers to Chucky's site, and some of them will even denounce it as a violation of free speech. In return, Don Typo agrees that there will be no more revenge by him as long as they leave his son alone.

During discussions the Blogfather realizes that the real mover behind the attacks on his family is the mysterious Immanentizer. Typo carefully promises only that he himself will not take revenge. Chucky, armed with this new knowledge of the enemy, goes outside the blogworld to secretly hire a specialist, Donny Lyticsin of Stalkers R Us, to find out who Adios really is, so that he can strike back.

Unfortunately for the Blogfather, calling these bloggers together gave them a chance to meet and start cooperating. Even as Lyticsin begins snooping, several of them begin an organization, the League of Leftys, to mutually exchange links. As this starts having effect, the group begins to grow. This concerns Typo enough that he has the supposedly neutral arbiter of linkages, Maori Ursine, denounce the whole idea as a communist plot. The link war goes on.

I will not spoil the devastating climax by telling how the book ends. This is a classic tale of macho family values under assault by decadent liberalism, with plenty of betrayal and revenge, and, just for spice, an ongoing subplot about making dirty movies.

I do like how he makes the heroes all conservatives who support invading Islamofascist dictatorships, and their enemies are all liberals, moderates, and other appeasing wimps. This is not just fine literary realism, but a reminder of what the beleaguered Bush administration has had to overcome.

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