Saturday, February 28, 2004

Dear Mr. President:

Here is the result of the emergency search for a new Vice-Presidential candidate, which I have been happy to conduct on your behalf. As General Ashcroft will confirm, this new choice was made necessary by what happened Friday at the Martha Stewart trial. Considering how this process worked four years ago, the selection I made was predictable.

This really started with a lack of guts in the man planning your campaign. Forgetting all about our master plan for THIS YEAR'S ULTIMATE OCTOBER SURPRISE, Karl got so spooked by the Ketchup Consort's war record that he wrote off the independent voters. He decided to stir up the base vote instead, by having you support the amendment to ban gay marriage. Its opponents began A MAJOR EFFORT, with its own WEB SITE, to get Cheney's lesbian daughter Mary to oppose the amendment. She was too loyal for that, but someone else did see an opportunity there.

Dick's genes did run true after all. Mary was unable to refuse a secret proposal of marriage, just as soon as Massachusetts begins legal same sex weddings this spring, from a person with even more money than her father. What Mary would get is obvious. Her would be spouse only wanted one thing in exchange, a small favor from the father of the other bride. Alarm bells went off when he left the NAVAL OBSERVATORY for New York, and took a quiet trip to hunt peasants (no, sir, that's not a typo), with Judge Miriam Goldman Cedarbaum. Friday the court sent the signal Martha was waiting for by DROPPING THE MOST SERIOUS CHARGE against her, which means she may avoid any prison time. She has already begun making TISSUE POUCHES FOR THE GUESTS. This also ruins our plans to deflect attacks on Republican corporate criminals by railroading that contributor to Democrats into prison.

Dick could get away with SHOOTING SITTING DUCKS WITH SCALIA to preserve secrets about his energy policy meetings. The media moguls understand that was just business. The fallout will be just too intense with your target voters when they hear that he did the same thing to help his daughter find wedded bliss. They won't see this as an example of their kind of Family Values, but as those of ROSIE O'DONNELL. His overreaching means your loyal Number Two has to be dumped, and fast.

I checked out the usual media hyped contenders, and found problems everywhere. The main one was insufficiently aggressive anti-choice views, which would depress turnout by your most fanatical supporters. Colin, Condie, and Rudy were all excluded by this. Although the first two credibly indicated that they were willing to lie for their party, they both suffer from another obvious problem with the part of our coalition which Trent still represents. Although willing and correctly reactionary, Frist The Cat is needed in Congress, along with Bugsy Delay, to push through Dick's replacement after his sudden completely unexpected heart attack, which is now scheduled for March 9, just in time to distract attention from Kerry's winning enough delegates to clinch the Democratic nomination.

I am sorry to report that once again Karl showed a lack of ruthlessness here. He thought a phony emergency appendectomy would be enough, since it seemed to have worked for the SECRETARY OF STATE OF TEXAS in diverting attention from the evil rumors about him and GOVERNOR PERRYMANDER. Knowing that the national media are less sycophantic than those in your home state, I insisted on the old KGB approach of cyanide on a staircase, because the Veep just knows too much. Naturally, my view prevailed. Mary's papa will be safely on ice with TED WILLIAMS when her ceremony takes place.

His successor must be someone who will completely distract attention from his manipulations. You need to follow that good advice "HOW CAN THEY SEE WITH SEQUINS IN THEIR EYES?" The ideal contender, following your father's strategy with Clarence Thomas, would be a woman who is vehemently anti-choice, as well as anti-gay marriage, and pro-Gulf War II. In other words, replace your eminence grise with what those Freedom speaking people would call an eminence blondasse. The media would gush all over themselves at our first female Vice-President. Having a candidate who actually is articulate enough to pronounce words like "nuclear" on the campaign trail will also help, especially when she is really great at throwing raw meat to the wolves of the far right. You get a bonus if Kerry picks Edwards for his Veep, by having as his opponent someone who could practice law, but has chosen not to, out of public spirited disgust at plaintiff's attorneys.

In short, after an extensive search like your unknowing lame duck conducted in 2000, I conclude that the best possible choice for Vice-President is none other than myself. While The Company earns back your broken trust by taking care of necessary details over the next two weeks, I'll be refurbishing my old family homestead with a log exterior, just to make for good visuals when the announcement is made. I look forward to an exciting campaign and a productive four and one half years in your administration.

Friday, February 27, 2004

Once again, the advice of "Deep Throat" during Watergate merits attention. Why the sudden flood of advocacy for gay marriage? The surprising answer is buried in "An Unusual Love Story". The writer is talking about those two perverse gay penguins at the Central Park Zoo, who mated, built a nest, and hatched an egg given them by the zookeepers. But way down the page he says this: "(As an aside, isn't S.F. mayor Gavin Newsom a genius? By allowing gays to marry, not only is he sending a powerful civil rights message, but every one of those gay couples had to buy a marriage license. At $83 a pop, Newsom has added almost $400,000 to the strapped civic treasury—money that certainly won't be refunded when President Bush amends the Constitution to do something no reasonable compassionate conservative would ever do: Make it less protective of individual freedom and personal liberty rather than more)."

That clears it up totally. Local and state governments, strapped for cash because of declining revenues, don't have the guts to raise taxes or to cut those bleeding heart giveaways to the poor, so they are jumping on this bandwagon of a whole new source of revenue -- sell gay marriage licenses. Soon they'll start selling other absurd things, like hunting licenses to pacifists and butcher's licenses to vegetarians. Anything to fill their treasuries so they can spend more on liberal nonsense. Where will it end?

Thursday, February 26, 2004

This should be a valuable lesson for all those "new age" liberals into various forms of multihued magic and feminazi satanism, instead of following the Crusading Christian tradition of our colonial Founders. Those separatists left England because the British crown, busily beheading Papists, wouldn't let them treat their own dissenters the same way. Gleefully the settlers cleared the wilderness, slaughtering land-hoarding Indians, obnoxious Quaker missionaries, and especially witches. The country just hasn't been the same since some stupid liberal judges started insisting on evidence of guilt before executions.

The virus of belief in mystical nonsense continues to infect our society, as shown by the number of people who think astrology actually works, and the much smaller number who actually believe what they read in the N.Y. Times. But God will not be mocked. These silly heretics do get punished as they deserve. One of the groups now suffering their just desserts consists of the idiotic fans of the Chicago Cubs baseball team. Good conservatives prefer the clean, rational, suburban, white bread and mayonnaise, traditional middle class family values of the American League White Sox, instead of the dirty, mystical, inner city, beer guzzling and hot dog scarfing, working class, mixed populist ethnic potpourri of the National League's Cubs. And, as proof of divine intervention to secure justice on earth, so does the Deity.

The greatest sin of the Cubs fans, other than just not being the sort of folks one would invite over for white wine and Brie, is their belief that they have not won a series since 1908 because of a curse on the team. Now I won't deny that God does still hold a grudge against the Red Sox for selling the greatest natural baseball star of all time to The Plutocrats Formerly Known As The Highlanders. But that's over in His own favorite League. He seldom bothers about the Nationals at all. In fact, the last time he took a personal interest there was to help the Cubs, but they've always been foolish enough to believe they won their last World Series through their own efforts.

From 1906 through 1910 the Cubs were the greatest team in baseball, perhaps even of all time. Look up the stats yourself. They won the National pennant four of the five years, and became the first team ever to win back-to-back World Series. Why? No, it wasn't just the legendary infield of "Tinker to Evers to Chance" (or their unrhymed and largely ignored third baseman Steinfeldt, who was an even better player). It was divine help, because God was still angry at those Southern Democratic traitors who had tried to split apart His chosen instrument to impose His will on earth, the United States of America. Observe how a vengeful Supreme Being did not allow any major league team to locate in the old Confederacy until the walls of segregation began to fall, thus beginning the conversion of ignorant Southern white Democrats into upstanding Republicans.

Why build up the Cubs? Because of the first real threat to His plan. One player emerged who was so supremely talented that he could have won the Series almost by himself, and who would thereby let the South claim a Series by proxy, at least. God intervened to make the Cubs an almost unstoppable force just to keep a Series ring away from that Devil's disciple, Ty Cobb of the Detroit Tigers. The evil ways of the Georgia Peach are too well known to repeat, among them his legendary racism and violence, unholy defects he shared with his other Southern Democratic peers.

God knew Ty was coming, so He sent the Cubs to the Series in 1906 just for practice. When Cobb's Tigers got there in 1907, Chicago shut them out totally. The next year the same two teams faced off again, and this time the Deity cruelly teased the Southern star's team by letting them win a single game. The only reason He didn't bother stacking the deck again in 1909 was because the Nationals had produced their own natural superstar in Honus Wagner of the Pirates. He was good enough to beat the Tigers in Cobb's third Series appearance without help from above. That was enough. Ty's prime years were behind him, and his teams never won a pennant again. The Republican victory in the Civil War was symbolically upheld. The great Cubs team God put together actually came back to win another pennant in 1910, but without divine assistance predictably lost to the first of Connie Mack's legendary assemblages from Philadelphia.

The ignorant fans of the Chicago National League team, lost in pagan superstition, have chosen to blame their never winning another Series on pronouncements of witches. "According to a Cubs legend, a fan with a pet billy goat who was turned away from the stadium in 1945 laid a curse on the team." Wrong. Rather it is the ungrateful egotism that gave no thanks to God for using them to carry forth His divine Plan, and the heretical mysticism that implies earthly necromancers could overcome His will. Vengeance is His, and it will continue until those blue collar Democrats at Wrigley Field repent and mend their leftist ways.

It will do them no good to make a scapegoat of the latest inanimate symbol of their belief in demonic fates. It says in "Fan to 'blow away' curse of Cubs", "Grant DePorter bought the ball many fans believe cost the Cubs the World Series last year. Mr DePorter, a partner in a restaurant business, paid $113,824 for the ball in order to have it blown up on live TV. He has hired a special effects expert to make sure the offending item meets its end in the most dramatic fashion. ... They were within touching distance of making the Series last year, 3-1 up in the seven-match sequence against the Florida Marlins, when an over-zealous fan knocked the ball from the hands of a Cubs fielder as he was about to catch it. ... Perhaps because he cannot blow up the fan, Mr DePorter has decided to take vengeance on the ball." No, this won't help. Come back to Jesus and voting for the Republican Party, and maybe something can be arranged. Until then, your mystical hubris will continue to be punished with deserved failure.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Our Noble Leader in the White House will now support an amendment to ban gay marriages, according to a report on the vile Liberal Coalition web site by Charles2 of The Fulcrum. Good conservatives should not be cheering at this as an end to the threatened Dutchification of America. It really just means that Karl Rove has lost his nerve.

Yes, Bush's support for this means Karl has finally gotten over his bleeding-heart obsession with not offending the "soccer mom" vote by appearing "intolerant". That was always an example of short-sightedness on his part anyway. Soccer is clearly a plot by foreigners to subvert basic American sports values. "And now abideth baseball, basketball, football, these three; but the greatest of these is baseball." (NASCAR is a profession, not a sport.) But I digress....

I blame John Heinz-Kerry for this. The alleged "war hero" status of the Ketchup Consort (TM) has spooked 'ol Karl. Rove figures battle wounds trump flight suits with the independents, so he's decided to write those voters off. His new strategy is to win by throwing all the raw meat he can to the theocratic wolves, getting the "base" votes to turn out in unprecedented swarms.

The Rovinator has given up too easily. I'm still trying to dig up a witness who will swear either 1) that Heinz-Kerry got shot only when he dropped his own rifle and it went off three times, or 2) that Heinz-Kerry never really served in Vietnam at all, but imitated the method of his Senate colleague from Massachusetts for passing a French exam at Harvard, and paid a substitute to go in his place.

No sacrifice is too great to procure such evidence. Following the precedent of Marie Antoinette in Start The Revolution Without Me, I would even be willing to offer up my own fair young svelte form in the cause, by personally rewarding the hero who will testify to one of these tales.

I fully expect the prospect of such a tempting prize will cause many veterans to carefully search their memories to see if they can't recall the needed information. Repeated treatments with such "recovered memory therapy" may be needed to get all the details. The scandalous results won't be released until after the foolish Democrats walk into our trap by nominating this sitting duck in his home town this summer, but Heinz-Kerry is already a political dead man walking.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Liberals are gushing all over themselves about the unfolding of the newest reality show, Queer Eye For the Straight Country. This makeover is well under way. The U.S. Extreme Court says sodomy can no longer be restricted to sheepherders, the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court insists that the term marriage is a fighting word, and Saint Francis of Assisi is turning over in his grave about the ceremonies enacted by the city which is taking his name in vain. (Or did the founders of that city of Haight know something we didn't about that animal lover?)

Another term for George should suffice to stack the federal bench, and I think Diebold has that well under control, but the Bostcisco subversives will still be pushing their poisonous ideas. One lefty, StoutDemBlog, tried to mock the Good Guys of this Cultural War in "The Newest Member of the Axis of Evil", suggesting that the Great Recaller of Sacramento might actually use National Guard troops to invade San Francisco and restore order, after the Governor's speech emulating the Bush administration's denunciations of "imminent" risk there. What mealy mouthed moderation.

What we need to do, and quickly, before the November election, is to Expel Massachusetts and San Francisco from the Union. I don't mean from AFSCME, I mean from the United States itself. If the liberals want to impose a compulsory makeover on the country, then why can't we? Consider the advantages. Not only will we eliminate two cesspools of radicalism, but we will also change the national political equation. John Kerry wouldn't even be eligible to run for President. Thenceforward Republicans would always win the Presidential elections, with the votes of Kerry's state gone and those of California, now stripped of its corrupting hotbed of leftists, safely back in the GOP camp.

No doubt some will accuse us of hypocrisy, since Republicans won a Civil War on the proposition that no one could secede from the Union. That misunderstands the precedent. Grant's drafted armies only proved that no one can leave by their own choice. It said nothing about whether the rest of us could kick out a state or city.

Any objection that this would require a two-thirds vote can be met with the countercharge that the Democrats themselves established the principle of letting a mere majority vote determine statehood in 1845. Faced with the certain failure to obtain a two-thirds vote to ratify the treaty admitting Texas to the Union, they simply passed a regular bill in Congress. If the Democrats could do this then to help their party, the Republicans (now in control of Texas as well) can reverse this process now by the same vote.

And why stop there? This could also be done to Manhattan, Berkeley, Ann Arbor, Austin, and other similar infestations of liberal ideas. Naturally, these isolated radical bastions would not be capable of defending themselves from the evils of a hostile world. It would be an act of purest kindness for us to protect these childish commune-ities from the enemies they refuse to believe in, by treating them as protectorates, much as we do Puerto Rico today. Face it, Bin Laden on his best day can't do as much harm to America as those magnifiers of The State as opposed to The Corporations. Kick them out, not in hatred, but in sadness, then treat them not as a Big Brother (some hack English novelist seems to have poisoned that term), but as a Big Uncle (TM). It'll be a better world for everyone who matters.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

While Rove dithers about whether Bush should excite the base with intense support for a federal anti-gay marriage amendment, or play it cool so as not to offend mealy mouthed "tolerant" soccer moms, here's one idea for an ally he can enlist in the fight. Some scientists have come up with a new formula for predicting the likelihood of divorce by couples. This is useful in itself. If Bush really wants to insist on his version of family values, knowing who was likely to divorce could allow him to force those people to undergo anti-divorce "reeducation", much like in the totally misunderstood "A Clockwork Orange". But that's a long range ideal. For the immediate task of fighting the advocates of gay marriage, another finding from this study is really good news, even though this article in Nature doubts that. They're just being too short-sighted. In "Maths predicts chance of divorce" the author writes "He also has bad news for the defenders of traditional family values: gay and lesbian couples, as well as heterosexual couples that do not marry, hold on to the positive value of courtship better than straight partners who get hitched, he says." Here's why this actually should cheer Rove. Obviously, if married gay couples would divorce less, there would be less money for divorce lawyers. Clearly Bush should be able to squeeze contributions from them like a sponge by pointing this out. This also gives him a way to begin splitting up the united front of anti-Republican trial lawyers. Go for it, George!

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Mel Gibson has agreed to make last minute changes in his new movie about the death of Christ, including acting in it himself. No longer will anyone be able to accuse the film of blaming the Jews. Gibson has inserted scenes and characters pointing the finger at completely different villains. These are rather a surprise, because none of them are mentioned in the official source. The actor-producer clearly resented being forced to make any changes, and shows that in a very petty way in his revisions.

According to the conservative web site Scrooge Report, the pressure on Gibson came from Presidential politics. George Bush, trailing likely Demagogic Party nominee John Heinz-Kerry, needed a success in foreign policy. He insisted that Israeli Prime Minister Sharon actually dismantle some settlements in occupied territories, to encourage Palestinian terrorists to negotiate. Sharon demanded a price for compliance. To distract extremists in his coalition, he needed to prove that he was defending Jews against attacks abroad. Bush had to agree to force Gibson to delete offensive parts of his new film.

An administration official called the actor from an undisclosed location and made it blunt. Alter the movie or be sent to Guantanamo as a domestic supporter of terrorism, on the grounds that he would be stirring up anger against one of our allies. Gibson fumed that in Hollywood, when a character was murdered, "Somebody had to take the fall for those murders." He turned to the obvious patsy, the Romans. Remnants of the Italian American Anti-Defamation League decided that might stir prejudice against them, but he refused their demand not to blame the Romans. Under the impression that Gibson was Australian, they left the severed head of a kangaroo in his bed. That was convincing enough. He not only made revisions, but added a disclaimer at the end: "No Jews or Sicilians killed, crucified, or injured anyone in the making of this movie."

Gibson has now cast himself as a main character. He plays a sinful imperial (but not native Roman) centurion, whose job is trying to police the desert against anti-Roman Jewish terrorists. (Danny Glover once again plays his partner, here named Mvrtavgh.) Mel is depressed by his wife's death, and in one scene he actually puts his own sword in his mouth and threatens to kill himself. He is stopped by the sudden appearance of a vision.

Standing before him is Anne Catherine Emmerich, a nineteenth century stigmatic German nun and author of The Dolorous Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ, which is one of the other sources for the supposedly anti-Semitic tone of the original movie. ("Among other things, Emmerich claimed that the cross on which Jesus died was built in the Jewish temple on the orders of the high priest.") In a major rewrite of her views, she tells Mel that he has been selected to play a special role, just because he isn't either Jewish or Roman. He is the one who must finally kill Jesus, by piercing his side with a spear. He expresses serious doubts about doing this, but she insists. When he finally refuses her demand, she douses him with water and then has bolts of lightning hit him again and again until he agrees. Gibson also uses this torture scene to push several points of dogma. She shouts at him "You will stab Him with a spear, won't you?" *Zap* goes a lightning bolt. "And you won't eat meat on Fridays?" *Zap* "And you will only listen to Mass in Latin, right?" *Zap*

Meanwhile the movie shows the ones it really blames for the death of Christ. This is a group of insidious plotters who want to restore the old Roman Republic. These traitors to the Emperor are supported by a group of wealthy merchants, led by Enronus, whose businesses Jesus had harmed by throwing them out of the temple. The leading subversive Republicans are two members of the Frutex family, Iorge and his brother Ieb. To get revenge for the merchants they sycophantically infiltrate the court of the Roman Governor, Pilate. When he asks the mob which prisoner they want to be set free, Jesus or Kenlaius, Iorge calls for a vote, and Ieb offers to count the ballots. Behind closed doors in a judge's chamber he throws out most of those cast for Jesus, and so Kenlaius walks free.

Mel finally does kill Jesus as ordered, but wears a mask so that no one will recognize him. It does him no good. A group of his fellow soldiers who are also Republican conspirators, named after a noted opponent of the Emperor, believe Gibson's spearing of Jesus may cause their future descendants to be blamed for murdering this innocent pacifist. They capture Mel and slowly disembowel him.

These changes to the script assigning guilt to new characters are pure spitefulness. Gibson got his fingers burned by the politically unfortunate timing of his film, so has become infected with the radical liberal idea of "artistic freedom". This piece of anti-Bush propaganda is just his way of opposing reasonable movie censorship for the national good. The whole thing might as well have been made by Michael Moore.

I have received an email advising me that an interesting site I hadn't previously heard of, The Moderate Voice, has selected me as its Blog Of The Day. Clearly this is a gratifying sign that good taste is spreading across the web. As one character put it "I have so many followers I brush them out of my hair."

Sunday, February 15, 2004

Can't you control your cat's-paws better than this? One of the cleverest parts of our plan to torpedo the Democrats this fall has been endangered through a mistimed leak against John Kerry by a conservative gossip columnist named Dredge, or Sludge, or something. None of us were fooled by your manipulating that saluting dupe Wesley Clark into starting the rumor for you. This isn't the first time you've put our long range schemes at risk just to help that C-student frat rat of yours. Fortunately, some of us have thought further ahead than you and made contingency preparations, but consider this a warning. If you can't follow the script, you too can be Wellstoned.

Let's review, Karl.

We wanted the Dems to nominate Howard Dean, because he would be the perfect target. But you got worried and arranged for Saddam to be "found" now, instead of waiting till next October. That quieted the anti-war sentiment too soon, and caused the Dems to look for some other candidate, not so tied to opposing Preemptive Democratization of Iraq. Let me make this very clear, Karl. If you get spooked again and reveal Bin Laden's corpse before Labor Day just to give W a jump in the polls, we won't have any last minute surprise left. Blow this one again and never getting to do lunch in D.C. will be the least of your worries.

(I will give you points in passing for that brilliant trick of yours after Iowa. Sabotaging Howard's microphones at his election night rally so that he would have to shout to be heard, and your spinners could then attack him for "The Scream", was highly original. Since he was already politically dead after his loss, why not have some fun mangling his corpse?)

Don't let pulling the campaign strings for our current version of Zaphod Beeblebrox fool you about your importance. Like that President of the Galaxy, W is only meant to distract attention from the people really making the decisions. That group doesn't include you, Karl, so we never bothered to tell you how hard we worked to set up Dean for a fall. No one suspected our hand when we got Vermont to pass civil unions, even though it has always been one of the most loyal Republican states in the union. ("As Maine goes, so goes Vermont", said Jim Farley after FDR won every other state in 1936.) That gave us a wonderful wedge issue against Dean. When his balloon was shot down by your early revelation of Saddam, we had to fall back on plan B.

Now we want the Dems to nominate Kerry, because he's almost a good a crash test dummy as Dean. But you blinked when the new JFK's war record restarted that "Where was George?" game about his national guard duty. Chill out. Remember Thanksgiving in Baghdad? Just wait until you see what he'll be doing this Halloween -- but that would be telling.

We've been getting ready for this for years. No one understood why we tolerated moderate Republican Governors of Massachusetts. As Nixon's indicted campaign manager and Attorney General put it, "Watch what we do, not what we say." Because of those Governors, all but one of the members of the appointed state Supreme Court there are Republicans. Following orders, they laid the groundwork for us by agreeing to hear a case about gay marriage. When Dean collapsed, thanks to your premature ejaculation of Saddam from his hiding hole, they declared that not even civil unions would be enough in their state. The Massachusetts constitution guarantees us that this will be an open wound to pick at through the election, because it can't be amended for another two years. Come fall, we'll be waving this K-Y jelly-stained jock strap at John Kerry across the country.

But that won't be enough for the many mealy mouthed moderate voters, who are increasingly of the repulsively tolerant view expressed by a radical traitor to his class (and a cousin of the Democrat who tried to steal back the 2000 Presidential election from Jeb and Kathleen) in a play and movie: "I don't care if my opponent enjoys carnal knowledge of a McCormick reaper." No doubt this was considered the height of improbability by the citified author, who had clearly never greased up a thresher's gear shift knob and experimented, but I digress--- That's where our other secret weapon comes in, the one threatened by this latest meme of yours.

Your minion Dirge, or Stooge, or whatever his name is, has muddied the waters by opening up Kerry's personal life too soon. Just like Cheney's foolish aides uncovering a CIA operative out of petty vengeance (which has now turned the Agency against us -- thanks a lot, Dick!), this may cause attention to (and suspicion about) another very useful agent of ours. Terry understood when her first husband had to be punished after he embarrassed Reagan by objecting to calling ketchup a vegetable. She acted like a good soldier when told to enthrall Kerry next. Now she's in position to help us shoot him down -- or to influence his administration if he pulls it out (or you mess it up for W).

It was, of course, easy to arrange. Democrats can always be entrapped by their profligate hedonism. You saw how we nearly brought down The Clenis through his liberal libido. An even bigger patsy was the original JFK, who jumped readily into bed with anything which breathed. He was sleeping with so many seductresses from so many factions, from the mob to the Company, that they cancelled each other out. Their collective testimony would have embarrassed too many for him to be impeached. When he let down the team by refusing to launch a first strike against Russia while we still could, he had to be "deprecated" instead. But again I digress---

We've already planted the seeds of this bitter fruit. Remember how that earlier Massachusetts liberal beaten by George's daddy was so out of touch he didn't even realize that the wife whose rape would not have angered him was addicted to prescription drugs? (Not that there's anything wrong with that, as Seinfeld and Limbaugh would say.) People thought Kerry was lying when he not only denied using Botox on his wrinkles (not that there's anything wrong with that *ahem*), but claimed he had never even heard of it, despite Terry's admission that she used it herself. Surely you can smell the setup, Karl? We ordered her not to tell him about it, just so he would remind voters of Dukakis.

The first supposedly favorable profile of her, actually portraying her as a hopelessly out of touch rich elitist liberal, has already been published (unfortunately not, it appears, on line). We extracted this from a safely sycophantic plutocrat worshipping writer in W's home state for a magazine called Texas Monthly. As months go by we'll be spreading it widely. The fawning author's gushing over Terry's (seemingly) unconscious patronizing snobbery should curdle the milk in the breasts of any working mothers who managed to learn to read despite their "public school educations". They should reject "Miss high and mighty" in resentful populist droves.

The article says "She's comfortable being one of the world's richest women. "I give money away," she said of her role as director of the $1.6 billion Heinz endowments. "That's my job."" And of course, we'll point out that she'll continue this bad habit, but now with taxpayer's money instead. "Teresa Kerry is extreme in the way Americans most admire. She's rich, smart, sexy and sophisticated. In other words, she's a high-wattage star." Does that reek of Cosmopolitan to you? Won't it provoke resentful envy by plain Janes holding down two jobs because daddy's not paying the child support? "Outspoken and opinionated, Mrs. Kerry shows that her husband is comfortable with volatility and can't be as emotionally wooden as he appears." Actually, she only shows that he is comfortable with rich wives who finance his campaigns. She's quoted saying "If I weren't opinionated, I'd just be silly and artificial." Agent Terry is going to make sure the voters condemn her (and therefore her husband) as all three.

We even get some extra gravy with her. Not only is she suspicious because she speaks French, but she is also foreign born. But wait, there's more!! Remember how you had to twist George into knots to dump Trent Lott with no fingerprints, when the Senator's praise of good old Strom risked reminding those moderates about the racists in our coalition? Well, this time we can be all but open about it while preserving deniability. We plan to denounce the Democrats for nominating Kerry out of their obsession with affirmative action, because his wife's birth in Mozambique would make her the first African-American first lady.

That's not saying she's black, but plenty of the dittoheads will just hear that phrase and assume she is. The Dems will be caught in a trap. If they denounce us for implying she is black, then they are saying there is something wrong with that, thus offending their base. If they deny choosing her husband for reasons of affirmative action because they only do that for racial minorities, they remind all those out of work white Nascar fans why they reelected Jesse Helms. Meanwhile every rant against us over this will remind voters where she was born.

You may wonder why we bother. Kerry could well self-destruct. His ambition is so out of control that even the dull Democrats are beginning to catch on to how he tries to please both sides at once. He keeps pulling stunts like voting for war then denouncing it (just like he fought in one then denounced it), after asking for proof that WMD intelligence was hyped up then ignoring it when presented, as Scott Ritter reported in "Kerry, Too, Needs to Clear the Air", or opposing a federal amendment to ban gay marriage but not opposing a state amendment to do the same thing, as reported in "Kerry Says He Could Support Constitutional Amendment", and a host of others mentioned in "Hail, Kerry: Senator Facing-Both-Ways". The answer is that we don't believe in leaving anything to chance.

Just to be on the safe side, since we no longer trust your sense of timing, we've also had agent Terry convince her whipped hubby to advocate things which will help future Republican Presidents if Kerry does win anyway. The most obvious is now on his campaign web site as "A New Army Of Patriots". This position paper says "High School Service Requirement -- As President, John Kerry will ensure that every high school student in America performs community service as a requirement for graduation." So it's take orders, or else drop out and stay poor. That's the kind of genuine choice our major corporations love to offer. Earlier in the paper he discusses what these "volunteers" would do, including not just more silly liberal indoctrination in altruism by carrying bedpans, but also "Protecting America's Homeland. America should enlist its young people to protect our nation from further terrorist attacks. First and foremost, these young people will be dedicated to extending the reach of our first defenders."

I'm sure you see how this can be used. Rummy is catching flack over his "involuntary extensions of tours of duty" of reservists. Right now he has to do that because recruitment is drying up, as those ungrateful Iraqians keep killing our liberators. The ultimate solution is obvious -- reinstate the military draft. But a whole generation of pot befuddled hippies would denounce us for doing that. Just like it has happened every time since the Civil War, the way to get a draft passed for foreign wars is to do it under a Democratic President. Appeasing Dems may not use the power this would give them, but it will still be ready for activation when Brother Jeb gets the White House back and needs more troops for Part 2 of the war against the Axis of Evil.

So don't worry, Karl. We've got it under control. Even if you do panic and urinate in the soup again, our long range goals will go ahead. But next time, you won't still be along for the ride.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

More proof that Senator Santorum was right about the dire consequences of legal sodomy. Two male penguins in a zoo, no doubt having been told about the rulings by the Supreme Courts of the U.S. and of Massachusetts, have mated and are having gay sex. Worse, the zoo has encouraged gay adoptions by giving them an egg to hatch, according to "Central Park Zoo's gay penguins ignite debate". We should look at this as an opportunity for science. If this new baby penguin grows up to be gay like its "parents", then we'll know that homosexuality is a choice, not an echo of the genes. That would of course make all good reactionaries feel validated in their banning of gay sex, or at least the banning of gay sex among animals, or something like that. Leftists, in their usual unnatural way, misunderstood this opportunity. Instead, vile Liberal Coalition member Scout at And Then was inspired to start a campaign for a "Gay Penguin for President", even posting some sample ads. Go see how bizarre the literal animal lovers can get.

Strong man Russian President Vladimir Putin is showing how it can be done. The key is to treat liberals like the marginal ideological fanatics they are. Ivan Rybkin, Presidential candidate of the oxymoronically named "Liberal Russia Party" has been missing, possibly killed or kidnapped, for days. The state police are not investigating, claiming it is a publicity stunt. So far they have also failed to convict anyone for the recent murders of two other leaders of that party, perhaps seeing the killers as public benefactors. This policy of "open season on liberals" seems to resonate with the obedient Russian public. Putin "has a 70 percent popularity rate and is expected to win by a landslide. Recent polls showed fewer than 1 percent of voters supporting Rybkin." The missing candidate had denounced the incumbent for the war in Chechnya and for "curtailing democratic freedoms in Russia," according to "Mystery of missing Russian deepens". The strong response from the Kremlin has reduced the liberals below even Howard Dean levels -- now they're at the microscopic level of a Dennis Kucinich. Bush, Ashcroft, and especially Rove should all be watching and taking notes.

The notorious California State Senate President Pro Tem John Burton, a Democrat from San Francisco (of course), has introduced a bill to fan the flames of populist hatred of the rich by banning foie gras. Although he claims this is because of the cruelty involved in force feeding the geese to fatten their livers, he reveals the real truth at the end of "Foie gras flap spreads": ""I've eaten foie gras," he added. "It ain't my cup of tea."" Clearly this just shows how unfamiliar he is with it. Here's a clue, John -- if you're trying to drink it, you're not eating it correctly. Once again a liberal's personal prejudice is to be made the law, just to make people with taste suffer. If this bill (and a similar one in New York) passed, the only source for this delicacy would be imports from France. Is PETA getting money from the appeasers of Vieille Europe? Call Washington and tell Republican U.S. Senate leader Frist The Cat that he needs to start a federal investigation now.

Thursday, February 05, 2004

For those with any doubts left, consider this example of web site graffiti, pointed out by the infamous TBOGG. Senator Bill Frist, following the great Republican tradition of family values, wrote a book, "Good People Beget Good People: A Genealogy of the Frist Family". Vicious left wing radicals have taken advantage of its listing on Amazon to leave their scent marks all over this one. Just in case the Amazon people get complaints and rightly take down these examples of liberal cheap shots from its Amazon page, I feel it my duty to preserve the evidence of lefty mean spiritedness with a few quotes.

Under "Our Customers' Advice" some radicals have proposed also reading "Cat Owner's Home Veterinary Handbook" (which shows the stupid liberals are confusing Frist with his Republican colleague Senator Santorum) and Phillips's "American Dynasty" (a slanted cheap shot at the Bush family). Comments made under "All Customer Reviews" include this one: "Frist explains the intricacies of human reproduction in a way sure to confound, bedevil, and infuriate his natural constituency of Tennessee creationists. Good job, Bill." Another, showing again the liberal insistence on Nazi references to Republicans, is: "I rate this book five tortured and slaughtered kitties out of a possible five. It's sure to win the Mengele Eugenics Award at The New Republic's Gala Celebration of the 25th Anniversary of the Publication of "The Bell Curve"!"

In fact, ALL of the reviews posted now are by left wing snipers. Good conservatives should go add their own praise to this parade of attacks, just to show how much we really do love the good old boy from the big hospital chain. (No, you don't actually have to prove you've really read the book by taking a test. Use your imagination, just like these awful liberals did.)

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