Saturday, February 28, 2004

Dear Mr. President:

Here is the result of the emergency search for a new Vice-Presidential candidate, which I have been happy to conduct on your behalf. As General Ashcroft will confirm, this new choice was made necessary by what happened Friday at the Martha Stewart trial. Considering how this process worked four years ago, the selection I made was predictable.

This really started with a lack of guts in the man planning your campaign. Forgetting all about our master plan for THIS YEAR'S ULTIMATE OCTOBER SURPRISE, Karl got so spooked by the Ketchup Consort's war record that he wrote off the independent voters. He decided to stir up the base vote instead, by having you support the amendment to ban gay marriage. Its opponents began A MAJOR EFFORT, with its own WEB SITE, to get Cheney's lesbian daughter Mary to oppose the amendment. She was too loyal for that, but someone else did see an opportunity there.

Dick's genes did run true after all. Mary was unable to refuse a secret proposal of marriage, just as soon as Massachusetts begins legal same sex weddings this spring, from a person with even more money than her father. What Mary would get is obvious. Her would be spouse only wanted one thing in exchange, a small favor from the father of the other bride. Alarm bells went off when he left the NAVAL OBSERVATORY for New York, and took a quiet trip to hunt peasants (no, sir, that's not a typo), with Judge Miriam Goldman Cedarbaum. Friday the court sent the signal Martha was waiting for by DROPPING THE MOST SERIOUS CHARGE against her, which means she may avoid any prison time. She has already begun making TISSUE POUCHES FOR THE GUESTS. This also ruins our plans to deflect attacks on Republican corporate criminals by railroading that contributor to Democrats into prison.

Dick could get away with SHOOTING SITTING DUCKS WITH SCALIA to preserve secrets about his energy policy meetings. The media moguls understand that was just business. The fallout will be just too intense with your target voters when they hear that he did the same thing to help his daughter find wedded bliss. They won't see this as an example of their kind of Family Values, but as those of ROSIE O'DONNELL. His overreaching means your loyal Number Two has to be dumped, and fast.

I checked out the usual media hyped contenders, and found problems everywhere. The main one was insufficiently aggressive anti-choice views, which would depress turnout by your most fanatical supporters. Colin, Condie, and Rudy were all excluded by this. Although the first two credibly indicated that they were willing to lie for their party, they both suffer from another obvious problem with the part of our coalition which Trent still represents. Although willing and correctly reactionary, Frist The Cat is needed in Congress, along with Bugsy Delay, to push through Dick's replacement after his sudden completely unexpected heart attack, which is now scheduled for March 9, just in time to distract attention from Kerry's winning enough delegates to clinch the Democratic nomination.

I am sorry to report that once again Karl showed a lack of ruthlessness here. He thought a phony emergency appendectomy would be enough, since it seemed to have worked for the SECRETARY OF STATE OF TEXAS in diverting attention from the evil rumors about him and GOVERNOR PERRYMANDER. Knowing that the national media are less sycophantic than those in your home state, I insisted on the old KGB approach of cyanide on a staircase, because the Veep just knows too much. Naturally, my view prevailed. Mary's papa will be safely on ice with TED WILLIAMS when her ceremony takes place.

His successor must be someone who will completely distract attention from his manipulations. You need to follow that good advice "HOW CAN THEY SEE WITH SEQUINS IN THEIR EYES?" The ideal contender, following your father's strategy with Clarence Thomas, would be a woman who is vehemently anti-choice, as well as anti-gay marriage, and pro-Gulf War II. In other words, replace your eminence grise with what those Freedom speaking people would call an eminence blondasse. The media would gush all over themselves at our first female Vice-President. Having a candidate who actually is articulate enough to pronounce words like "nuclear" on the campaign trail will also help, especially when she is really great at throwing raw meat to the wolves of the far right. You get a bonus if Kerry picks Edwards for his Veep, by having as his opponent someone who could practice law, but has chosen not to, out of public spirited disgust at plaintiff's attorneys.

In short, after an extensive search like your unknowing lame duck conducted in 2000, I conclude that the best possible choice for Vice-President is none other than myself. While The Company earns back your broken trust by taking care of necessary details over the next two weeks, I'll be refurbishing my old family homestead with a log exterior, just to make for good visuals when the announcement is made. I look forward to an exciting campaign and a productive four and one half years in your administration.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Weblog Commenting by HaloScan.com