Thursday, February 26, 2004

This should be a valuable lesson for all those "new age" liberals into various forms of multihued magic and feminazi satanism, instead of following the Crusading Christian tradition of our colonial Founders. Those separatists left England because the British crown, busily beheading Papists, wouldn't let them treat their own dissenters the same way. Gleefully the settlers cleared the wilderness, slaughtering land-hoarding Indians, obnoxious Quaker missionaries, and especially witches. The country just hasn't been the same since some stupid liberal judges started insisting on evidence of guilt before executions.

The virus of belief in mystical nonsense continues to infect our society, as shown by the number of people who think astrology actually works, and the much smaller number who actually believe what they read in the N.Y. Times. But God will not be mocked. These silly heretics do get punished as they deserve. One of the groups now suffering their just desserts consists of the idiotic fans of the Chicago Cubs baseball team. Good conservatives prefer the clean, rational, suburban, white bread and mayonnaise, traditional middle class family values of the American League White Sox, instead of the dirty, mystical, inner city, beer guzzling and hot dog scarfing, working class, mixed populist ethnic potpourri of the National League's Cubs. And, as proof of divine intervention to secure justice on earth, so does the Deity.

The greatest sin of the Cubs fans, other than just not being the sort of folks one would invite over for white wine and Brie, is their belief that they have not won a series since 1908 because of a curse on the team. Now I won't deny that God does still hold a grudge against the Red Sox for selling the greatest natural baseball star of all time to The Plutocrats Formerly Known As The Highlanders. But that's over in His own favorite League. He seldom bothers about the Nationals at all. In fact, the last time he took a personal interest there was to help the Cubs, but they've always been foolish enough to believe they won their last World Series through their own efforts.

From 1906 through 1910 the Cubs were the greatest team in baseball, perhaps even of all time. Look up the stats yourself. They won the National pennant four of the five years, and became the first team ever to win back-to-back World Series. Why? No, it wasn't just the legendary infield of "Tinker to Evers to Chance" (or their unrhymed and largely ignored third baseman Steinfeldt, who was an even better player). It was divine help, because God was still angry at those Southern Democratic traitors who had tried to split apart His chosen instrument to impose His will on earth, the United States of America. Observe how a vengeful Supreme Being did not allow any major league team to locate in the old Confederacy until the walls of segregation began to fall, thus beginning the conversion of ignorant Southern white Democrats into upstanding Republicans.

Why build up the Cubs? Because of the first real threat to His plan. One player emerged who was so supremely talented that he could have won the Series almost by himself, and who would thereby let the South claim a Series by proxy, at least. God intervened to make the Cubs an almost unstoppable force just to keep a Series ring away from that Devil's disciple, Ty Cobb of the Detroit Tigers. The evil ways of the Georgia Peach are too well known to repeat, among them his legendary racism and violence, unholy defects he shared with his other Southern Democratic peers.

God knew Ty was coming, so He sent the Cubs to the Series in 1906 just for practice. When Cobb's Tigers got there in 1907, Chicago shut them out totally. The next year the same two teams faced off again, and this time the Deity cruelly teased the Southern star's team by letting them win a single game. The only reason He didn't bother stacking the deck again in 1909 was because the Nationals had produced their own natural superstar in Honus Wagner of the Pirates. He was good enough to beat the Tigers in Cobb's third Series appearance without help from above. That was enough. Ty's prime years were behind him, and his teams never won a pennant again. The Republican victory in the Civil War was symbolically upheld. The great Cubs team God put together actually came back to win another pennant in 1910, but without divine assistance predictably lost to the first of Connie Mack's legendary assemblages from Philadelphia.

The ignorant fans of the Chicago National League team, lost in pagan superstition, have chosen to blame their never winning another Series on pronouncements of witches. "According to a Cubs legend, a fan with a pet billy goat who was turned away from the stadium in 1945 laid a curse on the team." Wrong. Rather it is the ungrateful egotism that gave no thanks to God for using them to carry forth His divine Plan, and the heretical mysticism that implies earthly necromancers could overcome His will. Vengeance is His, and it will continue until those blue collar Democrats at Wrigley Field repent and mend their leftist ways.

It will do them no good to make a scapegoat of the latest inanimate symbol of their belief in demonic fates. It says in "Fan to 'blow away' curse of Cubs", "Grant DePorter bought the ball many fans believe cost the Cubs the World Series last year. Mr DePorter, a partner in a restaurant business, paid $113,824 for the ball in order to have it blown up on live TV. He has hired a special effects expert to make sure the offending item meets its end in the most dramatic fashion. ... They were within touching distance of making the Series last year, 3-1 up in the seven-match sequence against the Florida Marlins, when an over-zealous fan knocked the ball from the hands of a Cubs fielder as he was about to catch it. ... Perhaps because he cannot blow up the fan, Mr DePorter has decided to take vengeance on the ball." No, this won't help. Come back to Jesus and voting for the Republican Party, and maybe something can be arranged. Until then, your mystical hubris will continue to be punished with deserved failure.

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