Sunday, February 15, 2004

Can't you control your cat's-paws better than this? One of the cleverest parts of our plan to torpedo the Democrats this fall has been endangered through a mistimed leak against John Kerry by a conservative gossip columnist named Dredge, or Sludge, or something. None of us were fooled by your manipulating that saluting dupe Wesley Clark into starting the rumor for you. This isn't the first time you've put our long range schemes at risk just to help that C-student frat rat of yours. Fortunately, some of us have thought further ahead than you and made contingency preparations, but consider this a warning. If you can't follow the script, you too can be Wellstoned.

Let's review, Karl.

We wanted the Dems to nominate Howard Dean, because he would be the perfect target. But you got worried and arranged for Saddam to be "found" now, instead of waiting till next October. That quieted the anti-war sentiment too soon, and caused the Dems to look for some other candidate, not so tied to opposing Preemptive Democratization of Iraq. Let me make this very clear, Karl. If you get spooked again and reveal Bin Laden's corpse before Labor Day just to give W a jump in the polls, we won't have any last minute surprise left. Blow this one again and never getting to do lunch in D.C. will be the least of your worries.

(I will give you points in passing for that brilliant trick of yours after Iowa. Sabotaging Howard's microphones at his election night rally so that he would have to shout to be heard, and your spinners could then attack him for "The Scream", was highly original. Since he was already politically dead after his loss, why not have some fun mangling his corpse?)

Don't let pulling the campaign strings for our current version of Zaphod Beeblebrox fool you about your importance. Like that President of the Galaxy, W is only meant to distract attention from the people really making the decisions. That group doesn't include you, Karl, so we never bothered to tell you how hard we worked to set up Dean for a fall. No one suspected our hand when we got Vermont to pass civil unions, even though it has always been one of the most loyal Republican states in the union. ("As Maine goes, so goes Vermont", said Jim Farley after FDR won every other state in 1936.) That gave us a wonderful wedge issue against Dean. When his balloon was shot down by your early revelation of Saddam, we had to fall back on plan B.

Now we want the Dems to nominate Kerry, because he's almost a good a crash test dummy as Dean. But you blinked when the new JFK's war record restarted that "Where was George?" game about his national guard duty. Chill out. Remember Thanksgiving in Baghdad? Just wait until you see what he'll be doing this Halloween -- but that would be telling.

We've been getting ready for this for years. No one understood why we tolerated moderate Republican Governors of Massachusetts. As Nixon's indicted campaign manager and Attorney General put it, "Watch what we do, not what we say." Because of those Governors, all but one of the members of the appointed state Supreme Court there are Republicans. Following orders, they laid the groundwork for us by agreeing to hear a case about gay marriage. When Dean collapsed, thanks to your premature ejaculation of Saddam from his hiding hole, they declared that not even civil unions would be enough in their state. The Massachusetts constitution guarantees us that this will be an open wound to pick at through the election, because it can't be amended for another two years. Come fall, we'll be waving this K-Y jelly-stained jock strap at John Kerry across the country.

But that won't be enough for the many mealy mouthed moderate voters, who are increasingly of the repulsively tolerant view expressed by a radical traitor to his class (and a cousin of the Democrat who tried to steal back the 2000 Presidential election from Jeb and Kathleen) in a play and movie: "I don't care if my opponent enjoys carnal knowledge of a McCormick reaper." No doubt this was considered the height of improbability by the citified author, who had clearly never greased up a thresher's gear shift knob and experimented, but I digress--- That's where our other secret weapon comes in, the one threatened by this latest meme of yours.

Your minion Dirge, or Stooge, or whatever his name is, has muddied the waters by opening up Kerry's personal life too soon. Just like Cheney's foolish aides uncovering a CIA operative out of petty vengeance (which has now turned the Agency against us -- thanks a lot, Dick!), this may cause attention to (and suspicion about) another very useful agent of ours. Terry understood when her first husband had to be punished after he embarrassed Reagan by objecting to calling ketchup a vegetable. She acted like a good soldier when told to enthrall Kerry next. Now she's in position to help us shoot him down -- or to influence his administration if he pulls it out (or you mess it up for W).

It was, of course, easy to arrange. Democrats can always be entrapped by their profligate hedonism. You saw how we nearly brought down The Clenis through his liberal libido. An even bigger patsy was the original JFK, who jumped readily into bed with anything which breathed. He was sleeping with so many seductresses from so many factions, from the mob to the Company, that they cancelled each other out. Their collective testimony would have embarrassed too many for him to be impeached. When he let down the team by refusing to launch a first strike against Russia while we still could, he had to be "deprecated" instead. But again I digress---

We've already planted the seeds of this bitter fruit. Remember how that earlier Massachusetts liberal beaten by George's daddy was so out of touch he didn't even realize that the wife whose rape would not have angered him was addicted to prescription drugs? (Not that there's anything wrong with that, as Seinfeld and Limbaugh would say.) People thought Kerry was lying when he not only denied using Botox on his wrinkles (not that there's anything wrong with that *ahem*), but claimed he had never even heard of it, despite Terry's admission that she used it herself. Surely you can smell the setup, Karl? We ordered her not to tell him about it, just so he would remind voters of Dukakis.

The first supposedly favorable profile of her, actually portraying her as a hopelessly out of touch rich elitist liberal, has already been published (unfortunately not, it appears, on line). We extracted this from a safely sycophantic plutocrat worshipping writer in W's home state for a magazine called Texas Monthly. As months go by we'll be spreading it widely. The fawning author's gushing over Terry's (seemingly) unconscious patronizing snobbery should curdle the milk in the breasts of any working mothers who managed to learn to read despite their "public school educations". They should reject "Miss high and mighty" in resentful populist droves.

The article says "She's comfortable being one of the world's richest women. "I give money away," she said of her role as director of the $1.6 billion Heinz endowments. "That's my job."" And of course, we'll point out that she'll continue this bad habit, but now with taxpayer's money instead. "Teresa Kerry is extreme in the way Americans most admire. She's rich, smart, sexy and sophisticated. In other words, she's a high-wattage star." Does that reek of Cosmopolitan to you? Won't it provoke resentful envy by plain Janes holding down two jobs because daddy's not paying the child support? "Outspoken and opinionated, Mrs. Kerry shows that her husband is comfortable with volatility and can't be as emotionally wooden as he appears." Actually, she only shows that he is comfortable with rich wives who finance his campaigns. She's quoted saying "If I weren't opinionated, I'd just be silly and artificial." Agent Terry is going to make sure the voters condemn her (and therefore her husband) as all three.

We even get some extra gravy with her. Not only is she suspicious because she speaks French, but she is also foreign born. But wait, there's more!! Remember how you had to twist George into knots to dump Trent Lott with no fingerprints, when the Senator's praise of good old Strom risked reminding those moderates about the racists in our coalition? Well, this time we can be all but open about it while preserving deniability. We plan to denounce the Democrats for nominating Kerry out of their obsession with affirmative action, because his wife's birth in Mozambique would make her the first African-American first lady.

That's not saying she's black, but plenty of the dittoheads will just hear that phrase and assume she is. The Dems will be caught in a trap. If they denounce us for implying she is black, then they are saying there is something wrong with that, thus offending their base. If they deny choosing her husband for reasons of affirmative action because they only do that for racial minorities, they remind all those out of work white Nascar fans why they reelected Jesse Helms. Meanwhile every rant against us over this will remind voters where she was born.

You may wonder why we bother. Kerry could well self-destruct. His ambition is so out of control that even the dull Democrats are beginning to catch on to how he tries to please both sides at once. He keeps pulling stunts like voting for war then denouncing it (just like he fought in one then denounced it), after asking for proof that WMD intelligence was hyped up then ignoring it when presented, as Scott Ritter reported in "Kerry, Too, Needs to Clear the Air", or opposing a federal amendment to ban gay marriage but not opposing a state amendment to do the same thing, as reported in "Kerry Says He Could Support Constitutional Amendment", and a host of others mentioned in "Hail, Kerry: Senator Facing-Both-Ways". The answer is that we don't believe in leaving anything to chance.

Just to be on the safe side, since we no longer trust your sense of timing, we've also had agent Terry convince her whipped hubby to advocate things which will help future Republican Presidents if Kerry does win anyway. The most obvious is now on his campaign web site as "A New Army Of Patriots". This position paper says "High School Service Requirement -- As President, John Kerry will ensure that every high school student in America performs community service as a requirement for graduation." So it's take orders, or else drop out and stay poor. That's the kind of genuine choice our major corporations love to offer. Earlier in the paper he discusses what these "volunteers" would do, including not just more silly liberal indoctrination in altruism by carrying bedpans, but also "Protecting America's Homeland. America should enlist its young people to protect our nation from further terrorist attacks. First and foremost, these young people will be dedicated to extending the reach of our first defenders."

I'm sure you see how this can be used. Rummy is catching flack over his "involuntary extensions of tours of duty" of reservists. Right now he has to do that because recruitment is drying up, as those ungrateful Iraqians keep killing our liberators. The ultimate solution is obvious -- reinstate the military draft. But a whole generation of pot befuddled hippies would denounce us for doing that. Just like it has happened every time since the Civil War, the way to get a draft passed for foreign wars is to do it under a Democratic President. Appeasing Dems may not use the power this would give them, but it will still be ready for activation when Brother Jeb gets the White House back and needs more troops for Part 2 of the war against the Axis of Evil.

So don't worry, Karl. We've got it under control. Even if you do panic and urinate in the soup again, our long range goals will go ahead. But next time, you won't still be along for the ride.

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