Thursday, March 25, 2004

"A hit, a very palpable hit." --Hamlet, Act 5, Scene 2

When the far left attacks you, it means you're doing something right. Yesterday an unapologetic Communist took a sideswipe at me. This was an unusual departure for The Politburo Diktat (slogan: "Exposing Imperialist Lackeys, Capitalist Reactionaries, and Zionist Running Dogs"), perhaps the last revanchist refugee from the old Soviet nomenklatura. Usually that Central Committee member vomits his venomous bile on liberals, not on the lovers of Corporate Enterprise.

This is the same strategy the hammer and sickle squads used in the Spanish Civil War, as described in George Orwell's Homage to Catalonia. Stalin ordered his agents there to concentrate on sabotaging the anti-fascist forces, because he was more afraid of a non-Communist liberal government than he was of Franco. The Commissar, as he calls himself on his blog, likewise expends most of his effort condemning Democrats, opponents of Gulf Preemption II, and other leftists in general.

No doubt this explains why almost all the blogs which link to him are not liberals, but conservatives. They may disagree with his professed ideology, but they love his mud throwing at the left. (In a strange reverse parallel, most of the sites which have linked to my own blog are actually liberals. This probably means they want to wallow in bleeding hearted guilt by seeing their flaws recited.)

Just as Stalin was willing to make a deal with Herr Schickelgruber himself to gobble up Poland, the Commissar showed no shame in attacking me by an unfavorable comparison to an open supporter of the Islamic Terrorist Agenda, the blogger of Allah Is In The House, who claims to be the Muslim deity Himself. This must be true, or He would have long ago been decapitated for blasphemy by the Saudis' friends at the Project for the New American Empire.

Just like 1939's alliance against the Poles, this pact with the personified Opiate of The People would not be enough to prevent the jihad from later turning against the remnant Politburo as well. Fortunately for them, my way of dealing with the threat, while not very sportsmanlike, will once again pull the Marxist fat out of the fire they are helping to fuel.

In the aftermath of 9-11, one of my competitors wimped out and displayed mealy mouthed moderation, writing that "We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity." I reject this compromise as insufficient. I prefer to deal with "Allahpundit" according to the theory in "The Grey God Passes", the third issue of the classic Conan the Barbarian comic book. Its suggestion was that when a deity's believers all die, then the god himself ceases to exist.

Right now Karl and Dick have put my own proposal on hold until after the election, paranoid that if they followed it, so many voters might decide to play Lady Macbeth at the polls that not even Diebold could overcome them. Once we get Our Noble Leader reselected we can proceed with my plan.

Border provocations in Kashmir should be used to cause a Pakistani nuclear strike against India. This will be the excuse for India, Israel, Russia, China, and the U.S. to simultaneously unleash our thermonuclear arsenals against the breeding grounds of religious terrorists in every Islamic country on earth. The deaths of over one billion Muslims will be a great incentive for conversion by the remaining thirty million, almost all in Europe.

"Allahpundit", bereft of believers, will just fade away like radioactive smoke dissolving. Car exhaust fumes that glow in the dark will help save money for cash-strapped local governments, by reducing the amount of street lighting needed. An increase in the mutation rate (think of a whole new generation of The X-Men) is not too high a price to pay for Unconditional Victory in the ultimate Cultural War.

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