Saturday, May 15, 2004

The Supreme Court refused Friday to block the nation's first state-sanctioned gay marriages from taking place next week. The justices declined without comment to intervene and block clerks from issuing marriage licenses to gay couples in Massachusetts.
One of my loyal readers emailed me denouncing this failure of the Justices to stop these Masses of Connubial Deconstruction. Fear not, fellow foes of Friscoism. Just like the Republican majority on the Taxachusetts high court, our good Republicans on the national high bench are doing this to help. They know full well that Our Noble Leader's poll numbers are down on Iraq and the economy, so we need to stir up voters on some other issue. The designated receivers of the flame fanning are those who live in fear of makeovers. The failure of the Netherlands and Belgium to collapse since allowing Ms.-unions won't matter, since our target audience can't read Netherlandic or Belgish. To rile up the righteous, we need those marriages to take place here.

However, we can't Plame-out our own robe wearers. Even someone as intellectually challenged as The Ketchup Consort might catch on if we applaud these decisions for inciting our base vote. What we have to do is denounce all those judges for furthering The Galebits Agenda. What's that? Just like other issues where we try to control the politics by seizing control of the terminology, we need to refuse to use the Acronyms of Evil. Our excuse will be the impossibility of pronouncing "GLBT", even for the chronically vowel challenged of Eastern Europe. Instead, we will combine the first two letters of the first three words. This new coinage will have the added advantage of creating in our listeners' minds subliminal connotations of scary things like "blowing" and "chomping".

The leftists feel witty making ironic references to the "SCLM", or "so-called liberal media". We'll show those Democratic dilettantes what serious irony is like. For the rest of this campaign year, let's all refer to the judicial authors of these decisions as the "SCCC" (or the "S-triple-C"), for the "so-called conservative courts". We should publicly picket any speeches they make, with suitable signs like "Lock up gays, not guns". Visibly rally at any duck hunts they go on, with banners like "Let them say I PLEDGE, not I DO". The clueless chroniclers will snark about the silly extremists, and their every denunciation of us will help distract the liberals from our quiet organizing of the homophobes. On the night of November 2, the justices who have done so much to help us, by letting lavender wedding bells peal an alarm to summon our voters to the polls, can quietly attend our victory parties (just like Sandy did last time). If we do our job right, then this year they won't even have to order any recounts halted.

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