Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Self-proclaimed would-be infant inundator Grover Norquist, as well as some members of Congress, have called for putting the late Saint Ronald's face on U.S. currency or coins. As usual, those wimpy moderates don't go far enough. Republicans are now in charge of every branch of national government, yet we continue to plaster images of traitorous dead Democrats on the very money their intellectual heirs seek to seize from the public with high taxes. We need to change the law so that ALL our coins and currency display only Republican faces. For "anti-materialist" leftists to denounce this would be nothing but pious hypocrisy.

Here's a modest proposal to make American money reflect modern moral, i.e. partisan political, values. Keep Lincoln, the first Republican President, on the penny, the first coin. Follow him on increasing denominations with each following GOP statesman who occupied the White House. (Andrew Johnson, a Democrat elected on a wartime unity ticket, doesn't qualify.) That leaves us with this new list:

01 Lincoln
05 Grant
10 Hayes
25 Garfield
50 Arthur
100 B. Harrison
This has the added advantage of removing a silly semi-legendary tribute to political correctness from our dollar coins.

1 McKinley
2 T. Roosevelt
5 Taft
10 Harding
20 Coolidge
50 Hoover
100 Eisenhower
That's all the paper money currently issued, but there are several older larger bills which we should release updated versions of. This will conveniently allow every deceased Republican CEO of our government to have his face on some piece of our money.

500 Nixon
1000 Ford
10000 Reagan
So instead of putting him on a trivial ten or twenty dollar bill, we thus give the highest fiscal honor of all to the man who actually won the cold war. Previously that went to Wilson, a typically foolish Democrat who failed to press on to occupy Berlin after WWI and democratize Germany. Thus he (and his party) were really to blame for the rise of Hitler and World War II, and it's long past time for us to take him and his fellow appeasers off the still most universally loved symbol of our country.

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