Wednesday, December 29, 2004


We can see the ghostly glove of The Uncensured One in the tactics of the opposition forces in the Ukraine. Delay in choosing their new President is because our hand-picked puppet (instead of Russia's) was schooled in some advanced American political methods. But the incumbent has thrown a new curve ball which may comfort those still crying over spilled ketchup here at home.

No doubt you recognized the tactic of the crowds which surrounded the government and intimidated their highest court into overturning election results they didn't like. That's right, it's what The Exterminator sent his minions to do to local election officials in Florida in 2000. And who better than that pesticide promoter himself to inspire the first-round loser's medical judo in the re-run? Not even The Rovinator was as clever. After Our Noble Lame Duck's wardrobe malfunction was spotted in the first debate, he only planted the easily deniable tale that it was a radio receiver, knowing no one would claim to have fed the candidate those answers. This desperate measure worked as a cover, since it was much better than admitting we had two heart patients on the ticket.

Yush The Lush topped even this for chutzpah. When his vodkaphilia sent him fleeing to jet set desiccators, they cleverly blamed it instead on medically absurd claims of poisoning. This wrapped him in a winding sheet of martyrdom without the bother of actually deceasing, thus letting him have his own murder and avenge it too at the polls. But now the Kremlin's catspaw has devised an insidious argument to trump that:
Mission of observers CIS-EMO (autonomous non-commercial organization of election process observance in CIS Member States) contains about 150 persons from Byelorussia, Moldova, Russia and Tadjikistan. At to-day’s press conference representative of the mission Roman Tkach among violations has distinguished election propaganda, which is prohibited during the voting day, in the form of numerous orange marks in the streets.
Warning: if this works, we should expect The Ketchup Consort's frustrated Recount Revenge Rangers to adopt a variant of this Spectrum Strategy in Ohio. We can imagine the J'Accuse we'd hear from Jackson père et fils:
Democratic voters were subliminally intimidated at polling places across the country. In every case they had to drive by intersections where they saw huge government-posted signs or lights that were all bright red. This color cleverly crept into their consciousness and caused committed ceruleans to cast crimson ballots instead. Hide those hues which tinted the contest, and make the scarlet streets color-blind again.

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