Friday, January 28, 2005


An honest confession can be good for the pocketbook. Williams, Gallagher, and McManus should now be drooling over lucrative book offers from the Vast Liberal Publishing Conspiracy. They need only tell their stories about how they were paid to write articles pushing Our Noble Lame Duck's agenda.

Not one to let such an enriching opportunity pass, I am revealing here for the very first time that I, too, have been a recipient of largess for my own work over the past year. Naturally, not being heartless enough to take money from an obese infant slowly drowning in its bathtub, I accepted no actual government payments. Instead, all those deposits to my offshore accounts came from private groups and individuals, making this not political bribery, but mere ideological product placement.

Furthermore, I have maintained my usual high ethical standards throughout. Yes, I was paid to push the meme that The Trentster was an impediment to our Congressional agenda, and should step down as Senate leader. However, when the very same folks from Nashville who made the substantial wire transfer to me for that, wanted me to go further and promote re-release of an old movie, The Sailor Who Fell From Grace With The Sea, I refused to violate my conscience by posting a phony favorable review. That time I just told Physicians For Feline Vivisection to keep their cash.

Nor was there any need to pay me to attack some people. I would have been bashing Kerry anyway, but the reason I kept denouncing him as The Ketchup Consort was to remind good conservatives how they were helping his family whenever they bought Heinz products. What was wrong with that? After all, I hadn't used a bottle of their stuff since putting it on fish sticks each Friday at my faith-drenched prep school. Hence I had no qualms about accepting token funds from their smaller competitors, the Condiment Micromanufacturers Association.

I would have happily written whatever was needed to try and break up the dangerous Anybody But Bush front, so why not take money from the Split Vote Arrangers For Truth to keep reminding voters of Jean Cherie's calls for compulsory national service?

Mocking Kucinich's vegekinkiness would have been natural to me, which is why the American Meat Advocacy Mob got a bargain rate each time I did that. Loving to further divide my enemies, I gleefully agreed to not mention the name of She Who Must Not Be Named, when hired by her publicity-suppressing foes at The Ad Hoc Committee To Draft President Boxer.

I had already been denouncing the tactics of Terror War I as wimpily inadequate before I was encouraged by checks to keep playing up my advocacy of preemptive nuclear strikes against the Taliban, Iraq, and the entire Muslim world. Obviously I was in full agreement on that point with my client, a fundamentalist Hindu group called SMASH (Smite Monotheists And Similar Heretics). Once we achieve that mutual goal, of course, I will turn my verbal guns against those aggressors from New Delhi as well.

Yes, anxious to quickly replace a deceased computer, I did accept a new machine from the dark side. A group of tree-huggers, knowing what terrible truths about them would be revealed when his new book came out, paid me to make fun of Michael Crichton. I tried to console myself that his best-seller would be able to withstand my small assault, but deep down I knew it was wrong. (I also had long borne him a geological grudge, since he foolishly labelled as "Jurassic" what was clearly "Cretaceous").

The only other possible sorority prank-type misuse of my vast power was accepting a major redo of my home, in return for help in Google-bombing a certain Senator from Pennsylvania. That came from The Log CabaƱa League, a very, very small group of gay Hispanic Republicans. I hope he'll forgive my lapse, because the house looks really nice.

Only once have I been unsure who was buying my talents; that was when an anonymous woman with a car full of kids stopped by with a shoebox of small unmarked currency. Her request was that I belittle the attacks by two leftist scourges, Tbogg and World O'Crap, against some conservative columnist. I managed to do that and at the same time skewer an anti-draft writer.

I admit that I also received payment from yet another group for that same piece, to work in an example mocking the possible economic "opportunities" advocated by a different pundit, Thomas Sowell. There was no conflict of interest, since both customers got what they wanted, the mysterious box lady and the Acme Artificial Organ Company.

Clearly, when even good people can be tempted like this, we need to devise a new term for such blogging sins. I suggest calling them blins.

As a strong advocate of corporate dominance, I remind you that the real moral flaw is not in taking money for posting on behalf of sound-thinking customers, but in not begging forgiveness for advocating anything remotely leftist, even for money, and especially anyone connected with the civil union state. Always remember that payola for the promotion of liberalism is no virtue, but income from the defense of free enterprise is no vice.

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