Friday, February 25, 2005


"It's not the sex, it's the pseudonym," say the protesting-too-much sore losers who want no one in the White House newsroom except sadistic scab-pickers. Liberal anger at Guckert a.k.a. Gannon sounds like just the latest outburst of their antipathy to free enterprise, since he was actually making a profit at something they prefer to think of as so worthless that it should only be given away for free. But if we consider their absurd premise that a known nom de plume for web writing compromises media "integrity", then they should drop their claims of hypocrisy against conservatives, because no factions come to the court of internet equity with clean hands.

Jim (or Jeff) only changed his name, but one blogger actually changed his sex on the web. On December 29 a new blog appeared called "Libertarian Girl", supposedly by a young woman in D.C. Just like Jeff (or Jim), he has now stopped posting at his old site, after his own turned on him and uncovered his secret identity. Perhaps they became suspicious because "her" confused postings were a parody of their dogmas, like this heretical rant:
Breast augmentation surgery is a negative sum game. The surgery increases the recipient's attractiveness (because men are so stupid), but only at the expense of other women whose natural breasts become less attractive in comparison to the increasing population of surgically augmented women. ...

The typical liberal response might be the desire to make the surgery illegal. But I disagree. If a woman wants the surgery badly enough, she should be allowed to obtain it, but only if she pays back the externality she causes. So I call for the implementation of a breast implant tax.
His real mistake was posting a picture. On February 13, "Catallarchy" blew the whistle:
Ever since she began blogging, people accused Libertarian Girl of being a fraud. Her critics claimed that a libertarian blog run by a young, attractive female is too good to be true, and that the author is probably just a guy desperate for attention.

... something is beginning to smell fishy. Wazoo turned my attention to this personal ad on a mail-order bride website, containing a photo of “Viktoriya,” who shares a striking resemblance to Libertarian Girl.
Comparing the pictures leaves no doubt of the fraud. The "Girl" threw in the towel and confessed:
Well I may be an unemployed man without a wife or girlfriend still living with my parents despite being over the age of 30, but at least I’m not so stupid as to think that a gorgeous young girl would be the author of a popular libertarian blog. She’d be too busy having fun. ... You guys are so gullible! ...

It’s funny how there have been some posts in the blogosphere saying that the political blogosphere was a boys club that discriminated against women, as evidenced by how few politics bloggers were women. Boy were they completely off the mark. It’s ten times easier for a woman’s blog to become popular. ...

I should have figured that the type of people who read libertarian blogs are the same type that read Russian brides websites. When I make my next hoax blog, I’ll make sure to use a more obscure photo.
There are even more dark secrets among the group most likely to denounce Jim (or Jeff) for his hidden background, namely liberals. Since turnabout is fair play, here are just a few of them:

Jeanne D'Orleans, blogger of Body and Soul, adopted her pixelnym so that people would think of a French martyr, the "Maid of Orleans" that is usually known as Jeanne D'Arc. The truth: she is really from a different French city, which she had to disguise to avoid stirring aging members of the World War II resistance to belated vengeance from their rest homes. Yes, her real name is Jeanne D'Vichy, most noted not as the source of overpriced water, but as the home of the collaborationist front government during the early years of Nazi occupation.

Hesiod, formerly proprietor of Counterspin, now sometimes guesting at The American Street, stopped his regular blogging because he feared an embarrassing fact would come out. He does not really share the name of that ancient Greek poet. The truth: he is named after a different ancient Greek poet. He called himself Hesiod instead because he believed that if he used his real name, readers would think first, not of the author of the epic poems, but of the head of the household on The Simpsons.

Billmon of Whiskey Bar actually went into hiding for a time, and has only re-emerged recently because he thinks he'll be safe, since the Swipe Bashers are now distracted by the larger target of the AARP. The truth: his whole blogdentity (no! skippy didn't coin that word!) is a cover for a fugitive from justice. He called the site "whiskey" to avoid reminding people of the drug he is most remembered for, and himself "Billmon" instead of what he was usually addressed as, "Bob mon". Years ago he had to fake his death after a foolish stoned admission that he had killed a member of law enforcement. That's right, he's really the "late" Bob Marley.

speaking of skippy the bush kangaroo himself, which must only be done in lower case, no, he is not really the reincarnation of e. e. cummings. nor is his aversion to capital letters the result of an allergy to ink which causes him to use as little of it as possible. the truth: even though he is one of the few creatures other than a primate that has a kind of opposable thumb, a quick visit to a zoo will show you that its fingers still aren't placed right for using the shift keys. he adopted the more intimidating image of a kangaroo to hide his real, laughably harmless species. the recent "postponement" of filming for the latest movie project of russell crowe and nicole kidman wasn't really "to allow further work on the script". the producers were simply unable to find enough eucalyptus to photograph because skippy used his ill-gotten gains from anonymous blogging to buy up the entire year's supply of leaves from that plant for his own diet. yes, skippy the bush kangaroo is really shimmy the bush koala.

The so-called "Mad Kane" has been misleading readers by teasing them with part of the truth. Fans of her political parodies readily believe those could have been written by a person who was both a lawyer and a symphony musician. The truth: she is even more multitalented than they realize. She currently works as a psychiatrist at an institution for the criminally liberal, and it is her unknowing leftist patients who have really been writing, as "therapy", all those lyrics and poems she claims as her own in a scheme of plagiarism so blatant that it might possibly even embarrass the New York Times.

A different sort of misrepresentation is practiced by Echidne Of The Snakes, who claims to be "a minor Greek goddess". The truth: she is no divinity at all. The first clue is her note posting her email address. As that theologically astute John Updike established in his classic 1960 New Yorker piece about Ted Williams' last game, "Gods do not answer letters." Once you get past her carefully planned misspelling of her name, you find in lines 295 to 332 of the real Hesiod that Echidna (no! not the egg-laying creature from skippy's homeland) is really a part-woman, part-serpent noted as the mother of several monsters: the Chimera, Cerberus (no! not the aardvark), Hydra (no! not the foe of S.H.I.E.L.D.), and Orthus the dog, whom she also mated with to produce the Sphinx and the Nemean Lion. If known, this salacious history of both bestiality and incest might get a lot of blog readers. It certainly explains her real motive in blogging: to oppose Senator Santorum.

Those examples should be enough to make my point, without getting into other instances simply too amazing to believe. But the leftist critics of entreprenueral bloggers should take care, because we know the frightening truth. If Jeff's (or Jim's) most determined exposer persists in her crusade, we may have to reveal the DNA results, forcing everyone to wonder about those 36 pairs of chromosomes.

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