Wednesday, November 01, 2006


Bob and Todd, why have you forsaken us?

We had counted on you Urosevich brothers to deliver the votes for us and save us from the subpoenas to come. You failed. Democrats won both houses of Congress yesterday because the two of you left a door unlocked in the software.

Of course, you had no reason to worry that those Democratic anti-technology advocates of returning to pre-industrial subsistence communes to be "in touch with Nature" would have the faintest idea what to do about suicidal programs that alter votes and then vanish into the ether. You were right; they didn't.

Here's the scoop on who overturned your plan for our victory: it was the Libertarians. No, not the Libertarian Party, those nose-excising face-spiting blind free-marketers who voted last year to take all the substance out of their own platform so that it wouldn't scare any voters away. Those fools are still in their cloud-castle ivory tower. I mean the small-letter-"L" libertarians. Again, no, not the Bush supporters who claim to be libertarian, like Glen, as an excuse to support the war they want and the repressions needed to prop it up at home, while not drinking the theocratic kool-aid and losing their invitation to sit with the cool kids at lunch.

The counter-coup was staged by the small-mouthed variety of libertarian technogeeks, drowning in caffeine in the IT Department, with their diplomas from MIT and Berkeley on the walls, who were finally turned against the Bush administration, not by war (they wouldn't be physically fit to draft, even if we had one), or by Katrina (they don't even know any black or poor people), but by revelations of massive database mining and web search retrieval. The illegality didn't bother them. They just didn't want the NSA going to their bosses (or worse yet, their moms) and showing all their time spent looking for, well, physically stimulating images on the internet.

Their revenge was simple. Bob and Todd, your stuff worked as designed, then erased itself. That's when the equally self-dissolving software patches of the libertarian saboteurs kicked in. When the machines, or in some cases just the data cards from them, were linked into the big counters, they transmitted revised figures, and since there was no paper trail of the original votes, or even of your first revision, there was no way to prove these final figures weren't correct. They weren't too greedy, and the Democratic majority they arranged was only 320 in the House and 60 in the Senate, but the damage was done. I blame you for not forseeing and blocking that.

Now I understand you are refusing to join in our angry demands for full-scale investigations, obviously because you are concerned that this would uncover not only the libertarian rigging of the votes, but your own earlier and invalidated one. Too bad, losers! You had your assignment and you failed, and if we have to take you down to keep power (or just hold them to the bare-bones majority they may have won anyway without all the vote-changing), then you'd better get ready for a long stretch up the river. We don't need you, so you are going to be sacrificed to the mob.

And by the way, if they do prevail and send up the rest of us along with you, don't bend over in the showers. There'll be some folks there who do bear grudges.

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