Tuesday, July 08, 2008

A Hydrant In Every Doghouse 

An AP-Yahoo! News poll found that pet owners favor McCain over Obama 42 percent to 37 percent, with dog owners particularly in McCain's corner.
Now if you're Ms. Liberal Paranoia, you won't believe me when I tell you that this isn't just a desperate effort by the AssPress to find some poll, no matter how far-fetched, that shows The Sacrifice Flyboy ahead. (It was no surprise to any of you when their designated hitwoman Nedra Pickler married Eric Conner of Fox News.) Well, Gullible, believe me this time, because this tale isn't like the one of NAFTA-nudging at the Canadian consulate. No, this is our carefully-orchestrated preliminary groundwork for expanding the franchise to more voters -- surely a goal that all leftists will support, as the Spanish Socialists showed when they called for legal recognition of simians as persons.

Who else will we give the vote to? Why to dogs, of course, all 75 million of them. They are the perfect constituents for our expanding corporate empire -- absolutely blind loyalists, they already love Big Brother, even when he kicks them. But it stops there. Even though cat "owners" -- a truly oxymoronic phrase -- still, though more narrowly, favor The Beer Baroness' Bought Boy, felines simply cannot be trusted with ballots. They are the worst possible participants for a stable society, being simultaneously individual anarchists and absolute monarchists. But dogs, they'll follow us anywhere.

As for the rest of the article, it is just gossipy filler to distract from the main point, laced with the usual irrelevant inaccurate asides, such as:
President Andrew Johnson reportedly left flour out at night for a family of mice living in the White House, though it's not clear if that counts as having a pet.
Of course it does, and he wasn't the only one to be so accommodating. Why do you think The Clenis (TM) kept those cigar tubes at his desk?

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